April 30, 2010

Phew…what a day yesterday!

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:18 am by copingwithdepression

Funny how sometimes a good sleep and just waking up to a new day can make you feel a bit better.

Yesterday was pretty horrendous – I had arguments with G over stupid things and got so down & depressed thinking what is the point in our relationship.  I sat upstairs for a few hours trying to do the exercises in my book – writing out a thoughts table where you write down the triggering event, what your thoughts where and what feelings that brought up.  You then try and “talk back” to your negative feelings and give yourself alternatives.  It is hard!  I’m so used to just feeling down all the time I really have to try and catch my thoughts – of course they are all pretty irrational but when you’re in that state of mind they seem real

April 29, 2010

2days update

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 5:58 pm by copingwithdepression

Mooched around after writing my earlier post – it actually took me 2 hours to get a shower and get dressed!  Didn’t really feel like eating but had something as had to make the other half lunch.

Read a bit more of my book – we’re on to the actual strategies now to help you out of the depression.  Yeah yeah get a notebook and fill in this table – it’s ok saying that but I couldn’t even face it.  I’m thinking negatively I know – I just don’t see how this will help.

G (the other half) said “What are you doing just sitting there all day” which succeeded in making me feel even worse.  After a few sorry for myself tears I actually got up to do something.

Yeah!  I did some housework which actually did make me feel a bit better.  G is away for a run now in the pouring rain and slammed the door when he left as I said I couldn’t be bothered coming with him.  I’ll start dinner now so maybe that’ll put me in the good books?

I really hate how my depressions  affect my relationship – of course they’re bound to – but it’s just so hard seeing how I can bring G down and leave him feeling frustrated.  Wish I had a magic wand today and could blow it all away.

The good thing is it’s nearly night time = bedtime = the end of this day.

Don’t want to think about tomorow yet… Maybe I will manage to get out my notebook?

Where is the sun…?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 10:27 am by copingwithdepression

Feeling a bit low this morning.  The day just seems really bleak & is stretching out in front of me.  The weather is rubbish as well which probably doesn’t help (where is the sun?).  Will try and get through it as best as I can.  I’m also gettign stressed out about work things I have to do – & you know what it’s like when you get depressed, everything just seems so overwhelming. I’ll try and do little bits of them and talk about the problems so they don’t get on top of me and seem even more impossible.

I’ve read about the 50 million introductory chapters (more like 4 or 5 really) in my new book – Overcoming Depression and am now onto the nitty-gritty of the practical stuff.  I promise to read another chapter today, maybe it will help me feel a bit better.

Also have to try and do some sort of exercise hopefully it won’t rain, it’s looking pretty dark outside…. Bye for now.

April 28, 2010

No further forward really!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 8:54 am by copingwithdepression

WEll as the title says I’m no further forward in my thoughts about my next appt with the counsellor – to attend or not to attend?  I feel like I shouldn’t just give up.  But I just don’t feel entirely comfortable with her.

Got the book from the library yesterday that I wanted:

It seems good so far – it’s just a relief to know that I’m not going mad and so many other people are experiencing the same thing.

My boyfriend tries to understand but he just can’t and I usually end up feeling even more down thinking there is something wrong with me that I just can’t be normal.

I will read this book 1st now before the low self-esteem one as it is more applicable to my current situation.

I haven’t even eaten my breakfast yet so I must go….

April 27, 2010

Disappointed/Confused

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 11:34 am by copingwithdepression

Hi – well I attended my first appointment with the new counsellor last night – it was just a half hour introductory session.  I’m left with mixed feelings as to how it went….  I thought the counsellor seemed quite nervous at the start which didn’t really put me at ease.  Then I had the feeling that she wasn’t really connecting with me…  I was trying to condense my whole life story into 20 minutes or so and was getting very upset.  It’s not like she wasn’t pleasant or she didn’t listen – I just got the feeling that there was something missing.

She is a person-centred cousellor which means she basically just listens and supports me as I try to work out the answers myself.  I’m just not sure if that approach is one that will work for me..  At the minute I feel like cancelling the next appt (next Mon)…

I’m sort of left feeling a bit violated (!) that I have told her everything about me all the bad bits etc and I just felt like she wasn’t overly sympathetic or just didn’t “get me”… I was left feeling emotionally drained and pretty low.

I’m not sure I will think about it and see how I feel.  Has anyone had similar experiences?

April 26, 2010

New Counsellor

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 9:04 am by copingwithdepression

Tonight I have my first appointment with a new counsellor.  I’m really nervous – I hardly slept last night for worrying about it and going over things in my head.  I have visited 2 counsellors before during the period Nov 2006 – Sept 2007.  I will talk more about my experiences with each of them later – but I am hoping this new counsellor will prove to be helpful.

I find it hard to open up and talk about my feelings (and indeed to even know what I am actually feeling most of the time) so I hope she will be patient!  I will let you know how it goes tomorrow… Wish me luck.

April 25, 2010

Well…..

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 9:04 am by copingwithdepression

I went to the library and couldn’t get the book I wanted  – ended up getting Overcoming Low Self Esteem – A Self Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques.  Thought this would be useful anyway as I do have really low self – esteem.  Only read a few chapters so far but it does all make sense – it’s just whether I can be motivated to fill in all the self help sheets whenever I’m having a low moment.  One thing it does say throughout the book is that if you are clinically depressed also to seek treatment for that first.  So I will be getting the Overcoming Depression book as soon as I can!

I’m feeling much better today and yesterday – not sure if it’s because I’ve started writing this.  But the few days before I was overcome with such crushing depression, where I could hardly get out of bed in the morning as I felt I had nothing to look forward to or aim for in my life.  I do regularly get days like this and it is so hard to function normally.  My relationship is really suffering as well as he just does not understand why I get so depressed and I generally don’t know why I am so depressed….

I would love to know if anyone has read either of the 2 books I’ve mentioned above and if they were of any real practical help?  I really want to make this blog into all the things that do and do not work in helping depression (other than medication) rather than just focusing on my low moods all the time zzzzz!

April 24, 2010

Quick PS

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:25 am by copingwithdepression

I had to log off earlier as my boyfriend had just got up & I haven’t told him I am starting this blog yet.  He is quite unaccepting of my depression so I don’t want to tell him just yet!  Incidently, this blog will also cover a lot about my relationships as it is an area I have always struggled with also (because of my depression and moods most probably)…

I’m heading to the library later to get out a book called

Overcoming Depression : a Self-help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques

I will keep you updated on my progress through this.

My first post…!

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:02 am by copingwithdepression

And I’m not even sure how to work this site…!  Ah well I’m sure I’ll pick it up quickly.The aim of this blog is just to start sharing my thoughts & experiences regarding depression and how it affects my life.  I am choosing to remain anonymous in this blog (at least to start with) as I find the idea of people who might know me in the real world finding about my innermost feelings etc a bit disturbing.  I’ve always been a pivate person.  I will give you the basic facts about me:

Female

28 years old

Living in England with my boyfriend of 2 years

I have suffered with depression for at least 10 years of my life and have had varying successes with different medications and types of therapy.  All these will be discussed in more detail in the future.

I have decided that I am fed up with living my life in the shadow of depression – I can honestly say I have never truly felt happy 100% and that seems like a wasted life to me.  I am starting out on this journey of blogging hoping it will help me try to express my emotions and hoping it will help someone out there as well.