June 4, 2010

Trust

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 8:08 am by copingwithdepression

How do you start to trust someone again?

Yesterday G came & told me that an ex had messaged him on Facebook – nothing sinister, just talking about Egypt becasue she saw on his post he said we were going for holiday there.  He told me he was telling me so I didn’t worry & to prove there was nothing in it.  But I still felt awful – pure jealousy & insecurity.  This was no ordinary ex.  This was probably the love of his life.  I could not settle until he nipped out & I logged on to his facebook to check the message (bad I know but I couldn’t handle not knowing).. It was an innocent message from her, but he had replied asking her all about her life & he’s sure there’s a man on the go etc….  Anyway I made him promise that if she replied then he wouldn’t pursue it any further & he agreed.

The reason this scares me so much is because it happened before.

Last summer G had been staying up most nights until 2-3am (as he has been recently also), I was insecure and suspicious anyway thinking he was probably looking at porn or whatever.  But this one night he came to bed at 4am & I was awake & in a real state.  I had a go at him about coming to bed so late/early & just whatever way he said “I’ve been catching up with old friends is that not allowed…?” made me think something was going on.

So I got up early the next morning to check his trusty facebook messages and low & behold what did I find.  A series of messages to some girl saying how he had been searching all over the internet for her, he really misses her, thinks about her all the time & the time they spent together, how she is the most beautiful woman in the world etc etc….  I was absolutley livid!  I went upstairs & practically dragged him out of the bed & yelled at him.  Turns out it is an ex he had while living in America for 1 year while at uni (she still lives in America)…  To begin with he didn’t see that he had done anything wrong & said it was all innocent.

I was on the verge of leaving but he physically stopped me leaving the bedroom, then he disconnected the internet so I couldn’t get on the computer to book a flight.  He can be very manipulative.  He also texted his brother saying that I was kicking him out & he had nowhere to go…. whereas the complete opposite was true, I was wanting to leave!  Anyway I barely spoke to him for 2-3 days and moved into the spare room.  At the start he kept saying I was over-exaggerating etc…  But finally I think he knew how hurt & upset I was & the explanation followed…

…Apparently this is something that he has always done when in relationships (ie talked to other women on the internet) & he never thought it was wrong until I made him see that (ahem!)…  He thinks he might have done it to feel good about himself because we were having a bad time etc etc.

So a week later I was still in the spare room & still barely speaking to him.  He had written me notes etc telling me how sorry he was but I was just so hurt.

I should say at this point that G has always had a bit of a problem with gambling, he will willingly waste £££’s on horse-racing, bingo whatever.  It had been a source of contention many times & I had told him I wasn’t happy with him doing it & wasting our (my) money.

So one day after I had got one of his letters, I came downstairs to talk to him – I admit it I was softening & just wanted a hug or something.  Well I found him in the middle of betting on horse-racing online!  I just couldn’t believe it, how could I ever trust him now.  A big argument followed where he admitted he was semi addicted to gambling & had been for years…. wow, now I get told!

It took a lot of weeks for me to come round.  At the time he had said I could do whatever I wanted to stop him using the computer when I wasn’t there… so we set it up so it needed my password to open it up.  He carried on with this fine for a couple of weeks then started complaining that he could never do what he wanted etc.. and why couldn’t I trust him by now.

Now there is no password on the computer.  Now he also has one of these app phones & he is on it all the time he’s not on the computer.  I am still suspicious & insecure, and it is eating me up inside.  This latest incident with the ex brought it all back – it may have just been an innocent message but it has left me feeling wretched inside.

How on earth do you start to trust someone?

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2 Comments »

  1. Princess L said,

    I shouldn’t say it cos I know jack shit about your relationship, but I’m going to anyway: what the holy mother of fuck are you doing in this relationship?
    From the posts I have read you have said he is manipulative a lot, he sounds very selfish and immature and he obviously doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
    *hugs*
    In answer to your question though; trust is something that is gained. He will earn it by not doing that stuff and proving that he can be trusted, it’s not going to happen overnight, it’s going to take months, if not years, to re-establish it and if he really wants you to trust him then he’s going to have to prove to you that you can.

  2. God – whenever someone asks that I don’t even know what to say. That’s why I have been so confused lately – I think I know in my heart that G is not right for me but then again I’m not sure if it’s just “me” because I’m pretty unstable at the minute. I’m going to give it a chance and see if things improve between us as I get “better”.


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