June 7, 2010

The Weekend’s Over – Relief!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 10:35 am by copingwithdepression

That must be a first – relief the weekend’s over!  Well I got through “the visit”.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected I must say.  G & I enjoyed the zoo (even though his brother & nephew complained after half an hour that they were bored) – we cut the visit short, I didn’t get to see the sealions but we can go back another day.  There were loads of animals that weren’t out anyway, I loved the elephants last time but they weren’t to be seen as their enclosure was getting renovated, and the lions & tigers were all hiding in the shade somewhere :(

G only had a couple of drinks on Sat night which I was relieved about even though his brother got absolutely plastered – & he bought his 6 year old son shandy (yes shandy) to drink!  Madness.

But my favourite was the Soccer Aid match at Old Trafford.  I have been to a couple of football matches before but never really been too interested.  I usually forget my glasses as well so can’t see the players properly & I’m not really too bothered about the footballers themselves.  But this time I remembered my glasses (yay), I knew almost all of the players, the atmosphere was brilliant & I really really enjoyed it!  I saw Robbie Williams, Olly from X Factor, Gordon Ramsey, Ryan Giggs, Ben Shepherd, Jamie Redknapp amongst others.

The devil child was annoying all weekend.  He is spoilt rotten, his dad NEVER says no to him & he whined the whole time.  I also think there is something wrong with him, maybe he’s just very shy & awkward but he is just very strange – he never smiles or shows any emotion.  Oh to be an amateur psychologist.  I don’t think he’s going to grow up to be a well rounded individual (not that I can talk).

G & I got on OK over the weekend, mainly because we could complain about the devil child etc.

No problems with my new anti-depressants either.  My mouth has been pretty dry but other than that OK.  For the first couple of days I actually felt less tired than usual but the last two days I’ve been shattered – probably because of the visitors etc.  Ah well, onwards & upwards!

June 3, 2010

Back on the drugs…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 1:53 pm by copingwithdepression

Doctors appointment today, the doctor was nice – of  course I started crying as soon as I started to talk.  The outcome is she is referring me for CBT which can take 3-4months and prescribled me Citalopram 20mg.  I was nervous about taking anti-depressants again but she re-assured me it won’t be forever, and the CBT should help keep the depression away for longer if not for good.  I feel exhausted now but relieved.  My mouth feels really dry after taking my first tablet at lunch time.  Have to go now G is waiting for me to try to put up our new tent in the garden!

May 31, 2010

Mars & Venus Update

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 6:00 pm by copingwithdepression

Well we’ve got through the last 2 days since my “meltdown”.  I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that it is up to me if I want to improve this relationship or not – there is no point in G trying & me being half-hearted about it, thinking all the time that it won’t work.  This will be very hard for me, but I am determined to do it.  I also know I can’t make any rash decisions while I’m in such a bad state of mind.  All I can do is take each day as it comes and see how things go.

The last 2 nights we have gone to bed at the same time and read a couple of chapters of Mars & Venus In L ove.  It makes a lot of sense in that it shows how we haven’t been communicating properly and have been antagonising each other.  Then we are living with all the frustration and built-up resentment.  For the 1st time in ages I’m beginning to see a “way out” – what things could be like between us.

I’ve also been doing a lot of listening to my Louise Hay audios – all about affirmations and how to change your thinking.  Today, for eg, we were both sitting working on our computers to get the website up and running and I had listened to 2+ hours of Louise Hay and nice relaxing music.  I was feeling quite calm and peaceful and then it just changed like that.  G made some comment, I took it the wrong way & immediately my whole mood changed.  Cue some more nasty comments on both sides & now I felt awful.  It was amazing how quickly it changed.  After 30 mins or so to cool down, he came to talk to me about it – I had a cry, I just felt once again like we’re never going to be able to be happy.  Either I annoy him or vice-versa and it starts a whole new argument.  I know it’s a generalisation but it just really got me down.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow as well.  I thought I would go today but forgot it was bank holiday.  So, I can feel myself getting panicky already when I think about going tomorrow.  I know it’s silly, but I get so nervous whenever I’ve to go to the doctors about something like this.  I just hate having to try and describe why I’m depressed to a new person.  But it needs to be done.  I’m not 100% keen on starting anti-depressants again, but I’ll talk to the doctor and see.  If the waiting list for psychotherapy is years long I will probably be better starting some sort of medication.  I’ll try and keep my mind off it tonight and hopefully will sleep OK.  Will keep you updated with how I get on.

May 29, 2010

Complete meltdown

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 4:36 am by copingwithdepression

Well it’s 5.15am and I haven’t been able to sleep (well I slept about 3 hours from 11.30-2.30).  Yes, I had a complete meltdown yesterday & I’m still not quite sure what to make of it.

After our argument the day before G & I managed to avoid each other all morning.  We thought his brother was coming over to visit today but he phoned from the airport at 1.30 yesterday asking where we were!  G came up to tell me that we had to go & pick him up.  I said “Do you not think we need to talk” &  he said “No, you’re the one who needs to apologise” Grrr… So I refused to go with him to the airporrt.  Luckily his brother was meeting mates in town & went straight to them to give us a chance to tidy up the house a bit.

So G came back – he was being very accusing & not at all approachable & I had just been so confused for weeks so I told him I didn’t think I wanted to be with him.  He said “Fine, I’m away to book a flight home”.  I didn’t go downstairs after  him like I knew he expected me to, I don’t know if I wanted him to actually book it or not, I was just so scared & frozen.

I went downstairs for a glass of water as he came bursting through the door & proceeded to make himself lunch.  I asked if he’s booked a flight, he said yes in July.  JULY?!  He was just being so calm about it, I said how do you expect me to live here with you until July if we’ve broken up?  He said he didn’t care he has friends & family due over to visit in the next few weeks & he’s not going to let them down.  I told him what apart from the fact it is actually MY house, you don’t own any part of it, and he still refused to leave, saying it’s not his problem I can move out if I don’t like it.  This is just a complete example of how stubborn & unreasonable  he can be… I just completely lost it and threw the glass of water over him (not the glass, just the water!) & he went mad saying if I dared touch him he would phone the police & have me taken to court.

I felt I had no choice so I came in to the computer and started to book a flight back home.  When he saw what I was doing he started trying to change my mind.  I was just completely honest with him, said I was so confused I didn’t know what my feelings were for him I just needed out – as I didn’t know how to fix things by myself & he wasn’t willing to take any responsibility.  Well I just sat and cried & cried as he talked me into staying (as I knew deep down he would).  He said I need to look for a new counsellor as the one I’m seeing doesn’t seem to be helping (what does he expect after 3 sessions? Miracles?).. I said I will go to the doctor on Monday & ask her advice, maybe get some anti-depressants.

I just don’t know, I don’t even feel relieved or glad that we’re still together.  I feel trapped.  I feel like he has manipulated me all over again into staying.  I’m not strong enough to leave him anyway who was I kidding?

Or am I being too negative?  Maybe I should just relax & give it a go?

Well his brother is here now, so that’ll be fun later on – trying to pretend everything is normal & we’re so in love.  I just don’t feel anything anymore.  Not just for him – I seriously think there is something wrong with my emotions, I can cry but I can’t feel any love or joy or happiness towards anyone (except my cats).

I also have to see my mum later on for half an hour or so before she goes on holiday which is stressful – but that is a story for another day.  I’m away to do some facebooking, see if I can tire myself out.