June 21, 2010

Up & down

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , at 10:57 am by copingwithdepression

Well the last couple of days I’ve really been struggling with my moods – after me worrying that I was wasting the doctors time last week as I was feeling relatively sane.  G & I have been having more niggly fights which always sends me into a black mood & activates all my negative thinking about the relationship.  I’ve been quite stressed out as I’ve been having to do a lot of phoning people trying to get our old car sold & a new one organised.  I hate having to phone people at the best of times, it just makes me so anxious.

I’ve been reading a lot of mental health blogs recently & I was coming across a lot of terms I had never heard of.  One was BPD Borderline Personality Disorder, so I Googled it to see what it involved.  I was shocked to find out that a lot of it sounded very familiar & I am starting to worry now that it might be applicable to me…  But what do I do about it?  I can hardly walk into the doctors & tell her I think I have diagnosed myself!  You see, there are a lot of things such as self harm & impulsive behaviour that I have never told anyone before.  And I’m scared to.  If you admit to bad things that you have done in the past can you still get in trouble for them now??   I just don’t know what to do.

I really feel that I am on a downward spiral again & I’m not sure I can control it.  Plus I have to  phone my mum later – maximum stress!  The last time I saw her I was in tears so I know she’s just going to push me into talking about how things are going which I find really hard to do without breaking down…  Fingers crossed.

June 18, 2010

Doctors update!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 10:14 am by copingwithdepression

Well I went to the Doctor’s yesterday – it amazes me no matter how early my appointment is she is already running at least 15 mins behind!  Which means I’ve to sit & wait & get even more anxious!  Anyway, it went OK I think.  I just got the underlying feeling that she didn’t really know what to say to me/was a bit awkward with me.  I told her how I hadn’t been feeling so bad as we had lots of visitors & that helped take my mind off things & get me out & about.  I sort of felt like a fake as I was in such a state the last time I was there with her.  I don’t know – I think deep down I think I should be able to cope myself with everything – I don’t see myself as seriously mentally ill.  But then again when it all gets on top of me I really just want to end it all.  Surely that’s not normal.  I worry so much about what other people think of me as well which is why this is bothering me.

Anyway the doctor had referred me for CBT, & she is going to refer me for some CBT computer programme you do yourself at home, she siad that would be useful until my appointments come through.  She also gave me some Positivie Rewards CD’s which is “Positive Mental Training: A 12 week training programme that promotes mental skills for lifelong personal & professional success.”  The first CD’s are just the intro & relaxation & mental programming exercises.  You have to listen to one track every day for 1 week, then move onto the next track.  I am interested in stuff like this, so I am going to start today & give it a go.

I’ve to go & see her again in 2 weeks to get more Citalopram & get the next CD in the series.