July 30, 2010

Frickin NHS….

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 3:00 pm by copingwithdepression

.. So I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. It ws a month since I was last there so naturally (for me) I was feeling nervous & anxious. I usually have to wait for my appointment but this time I waited just over an hour – madness!

The appointment itself was fine, I didn’t bring up any of the stuff about me thinking I may have BPD rather than simple depression – but I knew I wouldn’t, I’m such a chicken. I am to stay on my current dose of Citalopram (30mg) for another 2 weeks, then she is thinking of increasing it again to 40mg. Yikes. Don’t know how I feel about taking so much, but I’m still having really low days where I feel I can’t cope at all.

The doctor was meant to refer me to start a computer based CBT programme while I am waiting for my counselling sessions to come through. I hadn’t heard anything about the computer course yet so I asked her – it turns out that the PCT have withdrawn it from their services! Great!

She then asked had I heard anything about the counselling. I said No. Apparently I should have received a letter after a bout a month asking if I definitely wanted to opt into the counselling. No such letter was received. So it looks like there has been a cock-up there as well. My referral obviously hasn’t gone through properly so after waiting 2 months, I’ll have to go back to the original 3-4 month wait. I need this counselling!!

Things are still not great between G & I. It seems  like all we do is wipe up after the puppy, we don’t have any time for each other. The other day he got annoyed at me saying how I had been on anti-depressants for 2 months and I don’t seem to be getting any better. He said I’m getting worse. I don’t think I’m getting worse. Compared to where I was I feel a lot better. It’s just all the stress with the puppy etc, I really find it hard to cope.

Ah well, onwards and upwards. My new blog Nic’s Notebook is keeping me occupied so that’s a good thing I guess.

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June 30, 2010

Peace At Last…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 9:50 am by copingwithdepression

…G is away all day mountain biking in Wales with his mates who flew over from Belfast this morning especially for the occasion.  So after a 7am wake up call (about 2 hours earlier than normal for me), trying to get the roof bars fitted to the new car & get his bike attached on the new cycle carrier that we hadn’t quite figured out how to use, making enough sandwiches for 4 hungry guys etc etc.. he is finally away!  Phew.

It is sooo lovely to have the house to myself.  We are never (and I mean never) really apart and I’m someone who really needs my own space at times.  Now there is an excuse for me as I’m a nervous wreck and can barely go out the front door by myself.  But G!  Well he won’t go anywhere by himself either, he always drags me along.  And we both work from home so we are together basically 24/7.  No wonder we fight a lot.

I haven’t posted in a few days cos we have been so busy with one thing or another.  Plus as our computers are side by side in our home office I can’t blog without him seeing (he still doesn’t know I write this blog!).  He sees me reading and commenting on other blogs sometimes and always scoffs at me “Oh, is this your new favourite hobby”.  Well yes, it is so there!  And I can do it all day today if I want cos I’m home alone (apart from my 3 crazy cats)!

I also have to clean and tidy the house for the guys coming back this evening.  They’re flying back tonight which is good but they’ll still be here for a bit.  And I want to make some of Nigella’s chocolate brownies yum… never made them before but got her recipe book out of the library and can’t wait to try them!  There might be none left by later lol…  And maybe fit in some sunbathing outside.  Oh, and maybe a wee nap in case I start to feel a bit sleepy….!

It’s FABULOUS I can do what ever I want today!  Freedom :)

On another note I have to go to the doctors again tomorrow to get another month’s supply of my Citalopram and to update her on how I have been feeling.  I THINK I’m starting to feel a little better.  As I mentioned in a previous post I quite often feel “on the edge” like I’m ready just to tip into a depressive episode.  But I figure, maybe that is a good thing as before I just would have been head first into it – but now I feel I can control it a bit more… If that makes sense?  So I think I’m getting there.  I just can’t wait for my CBT counselling to come through, should be another couple of months though.

I’m still undecided whether I should tell the doctor about my self-harming and the extent of my “impulsive behaviours” and the possible BPD diagnosis I have given myself lol.  I don’t want to seem like a real know it all.  Will it really change anything if I tell her, what else is she going to do?  I’m already on anti depressants and have been referred for counselling.  But then again, I think I need to be honest with her about everything.  I think I’m ashamed of it all you see, I don’t want anyone else to know.  It’s scary.  So it will be another anxious wait in the doctors tomorrow morning!

This has been a long post (if you’re still reading well done) but as I said I have the luxury of relaxing and typing away today – usually I rush to get something typed out while G is in the shower or still in bed!  I’ve nearly been caught a couple of times, but always managed to flick onto a different screen.  God help me if he ever finds out I’ve been writing about him (sometimes in not a very complimentary light!).  Well I’m off to do some more blog reading.  It’s my new favourite  hobby you know!  Oh, and then make my chocolate brownies.. Mmmm… Bye for now!

June 21, 2010

Up & down

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , at 10:57 am by copingwithdepression

Well the last couple of days I’ve really been struggling with my moods – after me worrying that I was wasting the doctors time last week as I was feeling relatively sane.  G & I have been having more niggly fights which always sends me into a black mood & activates all my negative thinking about the relationship.  I’ve been quite stressed out as I’ve been having to do a lot of phoning people trying to get our old car sold & a new one organised.  I hate having to phone people at the best of times, it just makes me so anxious.

I’ve been reading a lot of mental health blogs recently & I was coming across a lot of terms I had never heard of.  One was BPD Borderline Personality Disorder, so I Googled it to see what it involved.  I was shocked to find out that a lot of it sounded very familiar & I am starting to worry now that it might be applicable to me…  But what do I do about it?  I can hardly walk into the doctors & tell her I think I have diagnosed myself!  You see, there are a lot of things such as self harm & impulsive behaviour that I have never told anyone before.  And I’m scared to.  If you admit to bad things that you have done in the past can you still get in trouble for them now??   I just don’t know what to do.

I really feel that I am on a downward spiral again & I’m not sure I can control it.  Plus I have to  phone my mum later – maximum stress!  The last time I saw her I was in tears so I know she’s just going to push me into talking about how things are going which I find really hard to do without breaking down…  Fingers crossed.