June 19, 2010

Guilt…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 12:04 pm by copingwithdepression

… I mentioned before how I was having doubts about continuing with the counsellor I had been seeing.  I had cancelled our last appointment as it was the only time I could get booked in to see my doctor – I told the counsellor I would re-schedule but deep down I knew I wouldn’t.  Then I have been so busy with G’s brother visiting, and then his mum… I never got round to emailing her to let her know either way.  I guess I was hoping it would just “go away”.

Then yesterday I got a letter in the post marker “Personal & Confidential”, I had no idea what it was maybe something from the doctor?  But I opened it & it was a letter from the counsellor saying she hadn’t heard rom me so she assumes that means I do not want to continue with the sessions etc…  It wasn’t a cheecky letter, and she wished me luck in it.  There was also an enclosed questionnaire for me to complete with my views on how the counselling helped (or not)…  But I just felt so GUILTY.  For not getting back in contact with her, for letting her down, for letting myself down as I know I should really have continued with her at least until my CBT appointments come through.

It’s not a major situation at all – it would be simple to fill in the questionnaire & post it back to her.  But it really affected me.  I kept thinking should I write her a letter & explain why I felt I couldn’t continue or is that being stupid?  Should I be honest in the questionnaire & say I expected/wanted/needed to get more out of the sessions than I actually did?  Or should I just ignore it & not reply?  I think if I ignore it it will make my guilt even worse.

So I don’t know if it was totally to do with the letter or not but I had a really down day yesterday for the first time in ages.  Everything G did was annoying me even though he was trying to cheer me up.  I just wanted to be alone, to run away from the world.  G mananged to drag me out for a walk to Delamere Forest while he went mountain biking.  I didn’t even want to get out of the car I just couldn’t be bothered.  But I did, and I’m glad as I had a nice brisk walk for about half an hour and enjoyed the solitude of the forest with only the birds tweeting!

While I’m on the subject of birds…2 of my 3 cats caught a baby bird each yesterday.  Now I love/adore my cats to bits but I’m such a sensitive wee soul & love all other animals that it really affects me when they bring a half dead bird into the house.  I don’t know why but I get really upset!  And I was already feeling so down yesterday this didn’t help.  One of the birds was still alive so we put it in a box with some kitchen roll shredded up & left it to recover, but it was dead this morning when G went to check on it.  Poor birdies.. Nasty cats.  I know it’s only their nature but I still don’t like it!

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May 18, 2010

Omega 3 & CD’s

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 10:35 am by copingwithdepression

Hi – well after doing some research online about what supplements can help with depression (I am adamant I don’t want to take antidepressants again) I came across Omega 3 oils.  I started taking 1000mg once daily last Thursday – apparently it can take up to 4 weeks to notice any change but I’m going to keep on with it to see. I’m a vegeatarian as well so wouldn’t get these omega 3 oils naturally through my diet.

My Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway CD hasn’t been having the same effect on me after the 1st time (unfort)… I have loads of relaxation CD’s but can anyone suggest any inspirational CD’s that are meant to help depression & anxiety?

I know I am not really living my life at all at the minute because of how I am feeling.  I can’t go anywhere by myself, not even to the local Asda becasue I get so anxious.  I’ve a gym membership and I haven’t been for about 6 months as I get scared of going by myself.  I’m even too scared to go in and cancel the membership!  I don’t drive anywhere anymore as I’ve convinced myself that as I don’t know the roads well in England I’ll get lost/have an accident.  A girl I know invited me to a networking event next week but the thought of getting a train to Manchester by myself fills me with dread, and having to make conversation with a load of strangers horrifies me…. so I’ve turned that down as well.  Plus G can be quite jealous & has accused me of going off to meet other men when I’ve gone to the meetings before.  So I feel like I’m just stuck in the house, and don’t have the necessary confidence yet to get up and start to change my life.

Incidently, I had a lovely time yesterday afternoon sitting on the grass in the sun with our 3 cats playing around me, 2 of the cats in the neighbourhood came to play as well.  I felt very peaceful just sitting with them.  My cats always give me great comfort, I love them to pieces. Purr…..

This is the new kitten in the neighbourhood!