August 12, 2010

Will I Ever Feel Better..?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 1:53 pm by copingwithdepression

Saw the doctor this morning. Told her how I had been feeling over the last wk or so – staying in bed a couple of days, feeling useless, feeling like I wanted to end things etc… and she said she doesn’t really think I’m responding to the Citalopram. I’ve been taking 30mg for the last few weeks. She said I could either increase it to 40mg daily or change to a different anti depressant, Mirtazapine.

Now, that scares me. How can I not be getting any real effect from the Citalopram by now? Maybe it supports my original thoughts that I need to sort out my head and my negative thinking rather than take any drug. It also scares me that she is thinking of changing me to Mirtazapine. When I used to work as a pharmacist, Mirtazapine (Zispin) was always considered as a real “hard-core” drug for the complete looney bins. Honestly, I may be being really sterotypical here but 99.9% of the people who came in with scipts for it looked like real down and outs, absolutely horrendous!

It scares me that I might be like that myself now. I told the doctor this and she kind of laughed a bit. She said a few years ago when the Mirtazapine was quite new it would only have been prescribed by psychiatrists for the really bad patients to try it out. However now, it is quite widely used. She also says it can make you very tired and feel very hungry. The last things I need!

She also did another depression test thing, and I had only reduced 2 points on the scale from the first time I went to see her. She said I’m still very teary and quite unstable. Yep – agreed!

So, I’ve to try the 40mg for the next 3 weeks until she gets back from hol – and then review things.

I also asked her about the letter I had received for the assessment at the mental health clinic. She said I will be seeing a psychologist first who will assess me fully for about an hour, and then they will recommend what sort of therapy I need. It isn’t instant though. Once I see the psychologist I have to then go on another waiting list for whatever therapy is recommended… Phew… It’s hard work trying to get better via the NHS. Wish I could afford to go to a really good CBT counsellor myself – I might be a lot further down the road than I am now. Ah well… gotta keep fighting on.

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August 11, 2010

Quick Update..

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 4:35 pm by copingwithdepression

… I’ve been feeling really really low again since last week. In fact I think last week was the worst I have been feeling in a while. I had to spend most of last Wed & Thurs in bed as I literally couldn’t face the world. I am a teensy bit better this week, although my Dad arrived yesterday and upset the apple cart somewhat. It’s crazy that I can’t tell him how I feel and how much he has upset me (I’m not that close to my Dad), but I need to. Everytime I think about having to speak to him about it I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

Doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I think she’ll want to increase my Citalopram dose again. I think I need it, as recently I aint been coping at all.

Plus I got a letter this morning (finally) from the mental health team. I phoned to make an appointment, they said they will send me one out, it should be mid-Sept. So not TOO long to wait then. It said on the letter that the appointment is for an assessment to ensure I get the correct service. I’m not sure what this means. I thought I was being referred straight for CBT counselling. Does this mean I have to see a psychiatrist? If anyone has had a letter like this and knows what it involves please let me know! I’m worried that they’ll assess me & I’ll end up not getting the counselling or something….

July 30, 2010

Frickin NHS….

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 3:00 pm by copingwithdepression

.. So I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. It ws a month since I was last there so naturally (for me) I was feeling nervous & anxious. I usually have to wait for my appointment but this time I waited just over an hour – madness!

The appointment itself was fine, I didn’t bring up any of the stuff about me thinking I may have BPD rather than simple depression – but I knew I wouldn’t, I’m such a chicken. I am to stay on my current dose of Citalopram (30mg) for another 2 weeks, then she is thinking of increasing it again to 40mg. Yikes. Don’t know how I feel about taking so much, but I’m still having really low days where I feel I can’t cope at all.

The doctor was meant to refer me to start a computer based CBT programme while I am waiting for my counselling sessions to come through. I hadn’t heard anything about the computer course yet so I asked her – it turns out that the PCT have withdrawn it from their services! Great!

She then asked had I heard anything about the counselling. I said No. Apparently I should have received a letter after a bout a month asking if I definitely wanted to opt into the counselling. No such letter was received. So it looks like there has been a cock-up there as well. My referral obviously hasn’t gone through properly so after waiting 2 months, I’ll have to go back to the original 3-4 month wait. I need this counselling!!

Things are still not great between G & I. It seems  like all we do is wipe up after the puppy, we don’t have any time for each other. The other day he got annoyed at me saying how I had been on anti-depressants for 2 months and I don’t seem to be getting any better. He said I’m getting worse. I don’t think I’m getting worse. Compared to where I was I feel a lot better. It’s just all the stress with the puppy etc, I really find it hard to cope.

Ah well, onwards and upwards. My new blog Nic’s Notebook is keeping me occupied so that’s a good thing I guess.

July 5, 2010

That was quick!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 9:42 am by copingwithdepression

That’s what I said to the doctor when I was called 3 mins after my appointment time – there’s a first time for everything!  So I was actually feeling quite calm when I went in as I didn’t have the dreaded 30 min wait before hand.  I started to tell her how I thought I had been coping a bit better etc and was more aware of my moods… and for seemingly no reason at all I started crying and shanking uncontrollably.  Honestly, I just seem to cry at anything.

I also told her about my self-harming (which she said wasn’t actually self-harming).  I didn’t mention anything about the BPD diagnosis just told her some of the symptoms but she didn’t seem that worried.  She just said that is something I need to bring up with the CBT therapist when I see them.  As for the self-harming she said I am not actually trying to kill myself when I cut myself so it’s related to self-harm but actually isn’t…. Oh, Ok then.  It’s completely normal?

She also wanted me to increase my Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg a day as she thinks I should be feeling more of an effect from them by now.  I wasn’t too keen on that as I didn’t want it either to activate me too much or make me really dopey.  So we settled on increasing it to 30mg for the next month.

I said to her I still hadn’t heard about the CBT computer programme she was referring me for.  It turned out that she hadn’t completed the referral as she thought that the counselling itself would be more appropriate for me.  I said to her that I really wanted something to start work on before my appointments copme through, and that I had been looking forward to it.  So she said she will refer me after all.  Fingers crossed she actually does it this time!  She said I should hear from them soon.

So that is the up to date happenings at the doctor.  Lots more has been going on but don’t have time now to write it all!  Hopefully will get time later in the week.

June 30, 2010

Peace At Last…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 9:50 am by copingwithdepression

…G is away all day mountain biking in Wales with his mates who flew over from Belfast this morning especially for the occasion.  So after a 7am wake up call (about 2 hours earlier than normal for me), trying to get the roof bars fitted to the new car & get his bike attached on the new cycle carrier that we hadn’t quite figured out how to use, making enough sandwiches for 4 hungry guys etc etc.. he is finally away!  Phew.

It is sooo lovely to have the house to myself.  We are never (and I mean never) really apart and I’m someone who really needs my own space at times.  Now there is an excuse for me as I’m a nervous wreck and can barely go out the front door by myself.  But G!  Well he won’t go anywhere by himself either, he always drags me along.  And we both work from home so we are together basically 24/7.  No wonder we fight a lot.

I haven’t posted in a few days cos we have been so busy with one thing or another.  Plus as our computers are side by side in our home office I can’t blog without him seeing (he still doesn’t know I write this blog!).  He sees me reading and commenting on other blogs sometimes and always scoffs at me “Oh, is this your new favourite hobby”.  Well yes, it is so there!  And I can do it all day today if I want cos I’m home alone (apart from my 3 crazy cats)!

I also have to clean and tidy the house for the guys coming back this evening.  They’re flying back tonight which is good but they’ll still be here for a bit.  And I want to make some of Nigella’s chocolate brownies yum… never made them before but got her recipe book out of the library and can’t wait to try them!  There might be none left by later lol…  And maybe fit in some sunbathing outside.  Oh, and maybe a wee nap in case I start to feel a bit sleepy….!

It’s FABULOUS I can do what ever I want today!  Freedom :)

On another note I have to go to the doctors again tomorrow to get another month’s supply of my Citalopram and to update her on how I have been feeling.  I THINK I’m starting to feel a little better.  As I mentioned in a previous post I quite often feel “on the edge” like I’m ready just to tip into a depressive episode.  But I figure, maybe that is a good thing as before I just would have been head first into it – but now I feel I can control it a bit more… If that makes sense?  So I think I’m getting there.  I just can’t wait for my CBT counselling to come through, should be another couple of months though.

I’m still undecided whether I should tell the doctor about my self-harming and the extent of my “impulsive behaviours” and the possible BPD diagnosis I have given myself lol.  I don’t want to seem like a real know it all.  Will it really change anything if I tell her, what else is she going to do?  I’m already on anti depressants and have been referred for counselling.  But then again, I think I need to be honest with her about everything.  I think I’m ashamed of it all you see, I don’t want anyone else to know.  It’s scary.  So it will be another anxious wait in the doctors tomorrow morning!

This has been a long post (if you’re still reading well done) but as I said I have the luxury of relaxing and typing away today – usually I rush to get something typed out while G is in the shower or still in bed!  I’ve nearly been caught a couple of times, but always managed to flick onto a different screen.  God help me if he ever finds out I’ve been writing about him (sometimes in not a very complimentary light!).  Well I’m off to do some more blog reading.  It’s my new favourite  hobby you know!  Oh, and then make my chocolate brownies.. Mmmm… Bye for now!

June 19, 2010

Guilt…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 12:04 pm by copingwithdepression

… I mentioned before how I was having doubts about continuing with the counsellor I had been seeing.  I had cancelled our last appointment as it was the only time I could get booked in to see my doctor – I told the counsellor I would re-schedule but deep down I knew I wouldn’t.  Then I have been so busy with G’s brother visiting, and then his mum… I never got round to emailing her to let her know either way.  I guess I was hoping it would just “go away”.

Then yesterday I got a letter in the post marker “Personal & Confidential”, I had no idea what it was maybe something from the doctor?  But I opened it & it was a letter from the counsellor saying she hadn’t heard rom me so she assumes that means I do not want to continue with the sessions etc…  It wasn’t a cheecky letter, and she wished me luck in it.  There was also an enclosed questionnaire for me to complete with my views on how the counselling helped (or not)…  But I just felt so GUILTY.  For not getting back in contact with her, for letting her down, for letting myself down as I know I should really have continued with her at least until my CBT appointments come through.

It’s not a major situation at all – it would be simple to fill in the questionnaire & post it back to her.  But it really affected me.  I kept thinking should I write her a letter & explain why I felt I couldn’t continue or is that being stupid?  Should I be honest in the questionnaire & say I expected/wanted/needed to get more out of the sessions than I actually did?  Or should I just ignore it & not reply?  I think if I ignore it it will make my guilt even worse.

So I don’t know if it was totally to do with the letter or not but I had a really down day yesterday for the first time in ages.  Everything G did was annoying me even though he was trying to cheer me up.  I just wanted to be alone, to run away from the world.  G mananged to drag me out for a walk to Delamere Forest while he went mountain biking.  I didn’t even want to get out of the car I just couldn’t be bothered.  But I did, and I’m glad as I had a nice brisk walk for about half an hour and enjoyed the solitude of the forest with only the birds tweeting!

While I’m on the subject of birds…2 of my 3 cats caught a baby bird each yesterday.  Now I love/adore my cats to bits but I’m such a sensitive wee soul & love all other animals that it really affects me when they bring a half dead bird into the house.  I don’t know why but I get really upset!  And I was already feeling so down yesterday this didn’t help.  One of the birds was still alive so we put it in a box with some kitchen roll shredded up & left it to recover, but it was dead this morning when G went to check on it.  Poor birdies.. Nasty cats.  I know it’s only their nature but I still don’t like it!

June 18, 2010

Doctors update!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 10:14 am by copingwithdepression

Well I went to the Doctor’s yesterday – it amazes me no matter how early my appointment is she is already running at least 15 mins behind!  Which means I’ve to sit & wait & get even more anxious!  Anyway, it went OK I think.  I just got the underlying feeling that she didn’t really know what to say to me/was a bit awkward with me.  I told her how I hadn’t been feeling so bad as we had lots of visitors & that helped take my mind off things & get me out & about.  I sort of felt like a fake as I was in such a state the last time I was there with her.  I don’t know – I think deep down I think I should be able to cope myself with everything – I don’t see myself as seriously mentally ill.  But then again when it all gets on top of me I really just want to end it all.  Surely that’s not normal.  I worry so much about what other people think of me as well which is why this is bothering me.

Anyway the doctor had referred me for CBT, & she is going to refer me for some CBT computer programme you do yourself at home, she siad that would be useful until my appointments come through.  She also gave me some Positivie Rewards CD’s which is “Positive Mental Training: A 12 week training programme that promotes mental skills for lifelong personal & professional success.”  The first CD’s are just the intro & relaxation & mental programming exercises.  You have to listen to one track every day for 1 week, then move onto the next track.  I am interested in stuff like this, so I am going to start today & give it a go.

I’ve to go & see her again in 2 weeks to get more Citalopram & get the next CD in the series.

June 3, 2010

Back on the drugs…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 1:53 pm by copingwithdepression

Doctors appointment today, the doctor was nice – of  course I started crying as soon as I started to talk.  The outcome is she is referring me for CBT which can take 3-4months and prescribled me Citalopram 20mg.  I was nervous about taking anti-depressants again but she re-assured me it won’t be forever, and the CBT should help keep the depression away for longer if not for good.  I feel exhausted now but relieved.  My mouth feels really dry after taking my first tablet at lunch time.  Have to go now G is waiting for me to try to put up our new tent in the garden!

June 1, 2010

Doctors? Not yet…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , at 7:48 am by copingwithdepression

Well I got up at 8 this morning ready to phone the doctors for an appointment today – the one doctor I have seen before in that practice (who was quite nice) is off work today & tomorrow…  I didn’t want to book in to see anyone else who I have never met before because I would feel even more nervous.  So I made an appointment for Thursday morning.  It’s only 2 days away, but I feel gutted, just becasue I got myself so worked about going today I think.  I am shaking so hard I can barely type this!

And OH I have just realised – I was meant to have an appointment with my counsellor on Thursday morning, so I will have to cancel / re-arrange that.  I have been having doubts about continuing with this counsellor.  It is just someone I found on the interent via BACP in my local area – I had searched through loads but this lady’s website looked really professional etc and I liked the way she said things.  But she is a person-centered counsellor which means she really just sits and listens and gives you a safe place to work out your feelings and come to conclusions.  Which is OK, but I really feel I need some input or structure to the sessions.  I saw a CBT therapist privately for a while back when I lived in N.Ireland, but I didn’t really take it seriously at the time – I didn’t put as much into the homeworks and exercises as I should have done.  But I think the CBT approach is one that I need – it really makes sense to me to change your thoughts, because I know that’s how I get myself into a spiral of depression to begin with.

So I’m really not sure what to do.  I wanted to have seen the doctor and asked her opinion so I would know for sure what to do by Thursday, but…  Plus there is the cost to it, I know it’s only every week but we aren’t bringing in a lot of money at the minute & I really don’t feel like I can afford it.  Well I am going to have to cancel the counsellor anyway on Thursday while I go to the doctor.

As for today… it’s a horrible, rainy day so I will probably listen to my Louise Hay audios while I’m working at the computer to try & relax me.  Maybe do some baking as well, I printed off a recipe for Lemon Drizzle Cake a couple of days ago but hadn’t felt like baking it.  Or chocolate chip muffins…?