May 29, 2010

Complete meltdown

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 4:36 am by copingwithdepression

Well it’s 5.15am and I haven’t been able to sleep (well I slept about 3 hours from 11.30-2.30).  Yes, I had a complete meltdown yesterday & I’m still not quite sure what to make of it.

After our argument the day before G & I managed to avoid each other all morning.  We thought his brother was coming over to visit today but he phoned from the airport at 1.30 yesterday asking where we were!  G came up to tell me that we had to go & pick him up.  I said “Do you not think we need to talk” &  he said “No, you’re the one who needs to apologise” Grrr… So I refused to go with him to the airporrt.  Luckily his brother was meeting mates in town & went straight to them to give us a chance to tidy up the house a bit.

So G came back – he was being very accusing & not at all approachable & I had just been so confused for weeks so I told him I didn’t think I wanted to be with him.  He said “Fine, I’m away to book a flight home”.  I didn’t go downstairs after  him like I knew he expected me to, I don’t know if I wanted him to actually book it or not, I was just so scared & frozen.

I went downstairs for a glass of water as he came bursting through the door & proceeded to make himself lunch.  I asked if he’s booked a flight, he said yes in July.  JULY?!  He was just being so calm about it, I said how do you expect me to live here with you until July if we’ve broken up?  He said he didn’t care he has friends & family due over to visit in the next few weeks & he’s not going to let them down.  I told him what apart from the fact it is actually MY house, you don’t own any part of it, and he still refused to leave, saying it’s not his problem I can move out if I don’t like it.  This is just a complete example of how stubborn & unreasonable  he can be… I just completely lost it and threw the glass of water over him (not the glass, just the water!) & he went mad saying if I dared touch him he would phone the police & have me taken to court.

I felt I had no choice so I came in to the computer and started to book a flight back home.  When he saw what I was doing he started trying to change my mind.  I was just completely honest with him, said I was so confused I didn’t know what my feelings were for him I just needed out – as I didn’t know how to fix things by myself & he wasn’t willing to take any responsibility.  Well I just sat and cried & cried as he talked me into staying (as I knew deep down he would).  He said I need to look for a new counsellor as the one I’m seeing doesn’t seem to be helping (what does he expect after 3 sessions? Miracles?).. I said I will go to the doctor on Monday & ask her advice, maybe get some anti-depressants.

I just don’t know, I don’t even feel relieved or glad that we’re still together.  I feel trapped.  I feel like he has manipulated me all over again into staying.  I’m not strong enough to leave him anyway who was I kidding?

Or am I being too negative?  Maybe I should just relax & give it a go?

Well his brother is here now, so that’ll be fun later on – trying to pretend everything is normal & we’re so in love.  I just don’t feel anything anymore.  Not just for him – I seriously think there is something wrong with my emotions, I can cry but I can’t feel any love or joy or happiness towards anyone (except my cats).

I also have to see my mum later on for half an hour or so before she goes on holiday which is stressful – but that is a story for another day.  I’m away to do some facebooking, see if I can tire myself out.