May 26, 2010

So – The appointment itself!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 11:45 am by copingwithdepression

After seeing the state I was in G said he would drive me – if we missed the parcel collection then so be it.  He told me I was silly for not telling him earlier about it.   I was relieved but also a bit deflated  this was my chance to prove I could do it and I chickened out…

Well I told the counsellor all this, plus what had been stressing me out all week and causing more sleep deprived, worryful nights.  Basically I am stressing about money – we don’t have enough coming in now that G’s online business website has been “down” for the last 3 months.  He keeps saying he’ll get it fixed and updated but he never seems to get round to it. I’m tried of nagging him about it.  I keep saying to him to teach me how to do it (I’m not great with computers) and I’ll sit and work at it – it would give me something to focus on for a few hours a day.  But he says no I won’t know how to do it and it’ll frustrate him more trying to teach me.  So no website.  Which equals a big drop in income.  This is the first “job” he’s had since moving over with me.  For over a year we have always solely relied on my income.  I was never really comfortable with this – I felt a bit like he was using me and my parents certainly think that.  But then at the time we were going through a really rough patch when he had an affair of sorts with an old flame via god old Facebook and I was terrified of him going out to get a job in case he met someone else.  So, although he never pushed the idea that he wanted a job, I think I’m partly responsible for him not getting one.

So back to the present – I had just been stressing over the fact that he wasn’t spending any time trying to get the website sorted but could spend hours on the internet looking at all the things he wants to buy next.  Plus deisgning a bike kit for him and 3 mates which is costing over £200.  he doesn’t seem to realise that the money has to come from somewhere – it’s all want, want, want.  Plus if I say no or raise objections he goes in a real sulk for days saying I’m trying to control him.  I can’t live with that and the way he always makes me feel like it’s my fault makes me give in eventually.  This all came out at the appointment and the counsellor was shocked at how things have been going.  It was another of those “Oh God, is it really as bad as it sounds” moments.  She said I need to think hard about why he is with me – is it just to get an easy ride, knowing I’ll provide the money for him to spend…?

Oh the confusion. I really get the impression, although she doesn’t say it staight out, that she thinks our relationship is doomed.  That scares me so much.   I don’t want to have another train wreck of a relationship and for me to be left in tatters at the end of it.  But I really want things to change.

Once again, he knew something was up after my appt as I was acting all down etc…  I was just so confused.  How are you meant to carry on with a normal day when you are having all these doubts?  So I ended up telling him most of what was talked about – he said he was sorry for not doing much work on the website and he would try and  have it up and running by the end of the week.  He got quite defensive about the other stuff about him using me for my money – saying in his view it was “our” money as we are together.  He was being all nice and hugging me etc but I still didn’t feel 100% OK.  So a couple of hours later it started again – me bursting into tears saying how unhappy I am and things really need to change.  We always say this but it never happens but I am so serious this time.  I need to have some happiness in my life.  I want it so badly.  The thing is we have so many issues I don’t know how to start making things better.  Maybe our relationship is doomed – maybe we’re not right for each other (we seem like complete opposites most of the time) but I can’t give up without a fight.  I don’t know as well is it mainly due to my depression – if I was feeling better would our relaitonship magically improve too?  I need to work on both things.  I’m going to the library today to look for a relationship survival guide to give me some ideas.  It can’t hurt can it?