July 5, 2010

That was quick!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 9:42 am by copingwithdepression

That’s what I said to the doctor when I was called 3 mins after my appointment time – there’s a first time for everything!  So I was actually feeling quite calm when I went in as I didn’t have the dreaded 30 min wait before hand.  I started to tell her how I thought I had been coping a bit better etc and was more aware of my moods… and for seemingly no reason at all I started crying and shanking uncontrollably.  Honestly, I just seem to cry at anything.

I also told her about my self-harming (which she said wasn’t actually self-harming).  I didn’t mention anything about the BPD diagnosis just told her some of the symptoms but she didn’t seem that worried.  She just said that is something I need to bring up with the CBT therapist when I see them.  As for the self-harming she said I am not actually trying to kill myself when I cut myself so it’s related to self-harm but actually isn’t…. Oh, Ok then.  It’s completely normal?

She also wanted me to increase my Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg a day as she thinks I should be feeling more of an effect from them by now.  I wasn’t too keen on that as I didn’t want it either to activate me too much or make me really dopey.  So we settled on increasing it to 30mg for the next month.

I said to her I still hadn’t heard about the CBT computer programme she was referring me for.  It turned out that she hadn’t completed the referral as she thought that the counselling itself would be more appropriate for me.  I said to her that I really wanted something to start work on before my appointments copme through, and that I had been looking forward to it.  So she said she will refer me after all.  Fingers crossed she actually does it this time!  She said I should hear from them soon.

So that is the up to date happenings at the doctor.  Lots more has been going on but don’t have time now to write it all!  Hopefully will get time later in the week.

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May 28, 2010

Disaster Strikes

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 9:40 am by copingwithdepression

Well, I spent another night in the spare room.  Let me explain what happened.

We had a row yesterday morning with G saying I give one of my cats more affection than him (yes he can be very childish!) and I just thought what is the point of trying to make this work if I have to deal with silly arguments like this all the time.  It would have been easy to put my arms around him & say “No, of course I love you more than the cat!” but I just couldn’t do it – I don’t know I just feel like I have so much anger & resentment built up towards him at the minute.  So, he actually came to me at lunch time & told me to stop being in a mood, to give him a hug & make things better.  So I did.  I also hate the way no matter if he starts the argument it’s always MY fault because I get more affected by it.  Anyway…

Yesterday afternoon was tough.  After we’d had the discussion about him going to start work on the website, he sat at the computer & did nothing (well, apart from internet browsing and facebook).  I got upset & went upstairs to read my book just beacuse I couldn’t face having to nag him again.  So I spent all afternoon in bed dozing/reading feeling worse & worse.

We went into the kitchen to make dinner & I just got so overwhelmed with everything I started crying… I always feel like he’s accusing me when he says “What’s wrong with you now” but he wasn’t too bad this time, he just hugged me.  I said to him over dinner why he hadn’t been doing the website after he promised he would.  He said he didn’t know but we would both get stuck into it after dinner.

So we did – he did more updating & I went over what he already did, fixing the fonts & checking things.  That was OK until it started raining, the conversation went as follows:

ME: “Oh, is that rain?”

G: “What? Yea, why?”

ME: “Because the washing’s out it’ll get wet” – getting up to run outside

G: “Do you need any help?” – not really interested

ME: “No, well I don’t NEED any help” – runnig out the door

G: “For F***’s sake, Dickhead” – yes you heard right

I couldn’t believe he had called me that (although it hasn’t been the first time).  He always gets on like this with his mum and I think it’s ridiculous, he just gets so angry he lashes out but it’s way unfair and disrespectful.  So I was angry, I came back in and said “Don’t you dare call me names like that, do you not see that the way you’re behaving isn’t helping me..”  THEN he started “Oh it’s all about you isn’t it, well what about me, I’m left here to put up with all your shit and all you care about is yourself…”  Me (raging) “Well what have you done to try & make things better, you don’t seem to realise that you need to change yourself to, I am so close to leaving you because things just never get any better”.. etc etc

Ended up with me walking out of the room at this stage to hear the word “Dick” being called after me.  I feel so so angry and hurt.  How can you treat someone you “care” about like that?  Raging.  I stayed upstairs all night, had a bath to try and calm me down (didn’t work) and read until I was so tired to go to sleep.

I have no idea what is going to happen today.  He is still up in bed.  I’m scared of what is going to be said.  I really am.  Help.  How can I make him understand that I need him to change too, the way he acts is part of the problem.  Yes I know I am mainly to blame – eg I could have just said Yes, I need you to help with bringing in the washing.  But I had to go & make a sarcastic remark.  We both need help.  I just don’t think he’s willing to listen, he thinks he’s fine as he is.