August 12, 2010

Will I Ever Feel Better..?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 1:53 pm by copingwithdepression

Saw the doctor this morning. Told her how I had been feeling over the last wk or so – staying in bed a couple of days, feeling useless, feeling like I wanted to end things etc… and she said she doesn’t really think I’m responding to the Citalopram. I’ve been taking 30mg for the last few weeks. She said I could either increase it to 40mg daily or change to a different anti depressant, Mirtazapine.

Now, that scares me. How can I not be getting any real effect from the Citalopram by now? Maybe it supports my original thoughts that I need to sort out my head and my negative thinking rather than take any drug. It also scares me that she is thinking of changing me to Mirtazapine. When I used to work as a pharmacist, Mirtazapine (Zispin) was always considered as a real “hard-core” drug for the complete looney bins. Honestly, I may be being really sterotypical here but 99.9% of the people who came in with scipts for it looked like real down and outs, absolutely horrendous!

It scares me that I might be like that myself now. I told the doctor this and she kind of laughed a bit. She said a few years ago when the Mirtazapine was quite new it would only have been prescribed by psychiatrists for the really bad patients to try it out. However now, it is quite widely used. She also says it can make you very tired and feel very hungry. The last things I need!

She also did another depression test thing, and I had only reduced 2 points on the scale from the first time I went to see her. She said I’m still very teary and quite unstable. Yep – agreed!

So, I’ve to try the 40mg for the next 3 weeks until she gets back from hol – and then review things.

I also asked her about the letter I had received for the assessment at the mental health clinic. She said I will be seeing a psychologist first who will assess me fully for about an hour, and then they will recommend what sort of therapy I need. It isn’t instant though. Once I see the psychologist I have to then go on another waiting list for whatever therapy is recommended… Phew… It’s hard work trying to get better via the NHS. Wish I could afford to go to a really good CBT counsellor myself – I might be a lot further down the road than I am now. Ah well… gotta keep fighting on.

August 11, 2010

Quick Update..

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 4:35 pm by copingwithdepression

… I’ve been feeling really really low again since last week. In fact I think last week was the worst I have been feeling in a while. I had to spend most of last Wed & Thurs in bed as I literally couldn’t face the world. I am a teensy bit better this week, although my Dad arrived yesterday and upset the apple cart somewhat. It’s crazy that I can’t tell him how I feel and how much he has upset me (I’m not that close to my Dad), but I need to. Everytime I think about having to speak to him about it I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

Doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I think she’ll want to increase my Citalopram dose again. I think I need it, as recently I aint been coping at all.

Plus I got a letter this morning (finally) from the mental health team. I phoned to make an appointment, they said they will send me one out, it should be mid-Sept. So not TOO long to wait then. It said on the letter that the appointment is for an assessment to ensure I get the correct service. I’m not sure what this means. I thought I was being referred straight for CBT counselling. Does this mean I have to see a psychiatrist? If anyone has had a letter like this and knows what it involves please let me know! I’m worried that they’ll assess me & I’ll end up not getting the counselling or something….

June 16, 2010

The Witch Is Away…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 11:16 am by copingwithdepression

The Witch is our (semi) affectionate name for G’s mum.  Phew, I must say I am relieved that she is away.  Her visit wasn’t too bad (certainly not as bad as last year!).  For a start she is recovering from a broken foot so she wasn’t following me about interfering (sorry helping) in the kitchen too much.  It took me a day or 2 to feel comfortable with her, especially because my moods have been so low recently but she just natters away so it’s easy for me to sit & listen & look interested.  I actually found I was feeling a bit better in myself when she was here.  For some reason I am able to chat to her more easily than any member of my own family, especially my mum who I have real problems with.  Yes, I was putting on an act trying to pretend everything was normal between me & G but it felt quite good – I almost felt quite content at times.

I did find myself getting a bit stressed sometimes, especially thinking “Oh God, that’s only 1 day down, we have 5 more to go!” but I just tried to relax & take 1 day at a time.  It seemed to work OK.  Now she’s gone though I can feel myself getting into my old down depressed habits which I really am trying not to do.  I slept so well when she was here probably because I was so exhausted & I MADE myself get up early in the morning etc.. but last night I was lying awake again worrying at 4am & couldn’t get back to sleep for ages.  I have my doctors appointment tomorrow to see how I’ve been getting on with my tablets after 2 weeks which I think is worrying me.  I just find it really hard to express how I’m feeling to people – almost as if I’m scared they’ll think I’m a fake.  It’s not like having a broken arm or leg – with depression nobody can see anything wrong with you.  I’m just going to try & keep busy today & will hopefully sleep OK tonight.

June 1, 2010

Doctors? Not yet…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , at 7:48 am by copingwithdepression

Well I got up at 8 this morning ready to phone the doctors for an appointment today – the one doctor I have seen before in that practice (who was quite nice) is off work today & tomorrow…  I didn’t want to book in to see anyone else who I have never met before because I would feel even more nervous.  So I made an appointment for Thursday morning.  It’s only 2 days away, but I feel gutted, just becasue I got myself so worked about going today I think.  I am shaking so hard I can barely type this!

And OH I have just realised – I was meant to have an appointment with my counsellor on Thursday morning, so I will have to cancel / re-arrange that.  I have been having doubts about continuing with this counsellor.  It is just someone I found on the interent via BACP in my local area – I had searched through loads but this lady’s website looked really professional etc and I liked the way she said things.  But she is a person-centered counsellor which means she really just sits and listens and gives you a safe place to work out your feelings and come to conclusions.  Which is OK, but I really feel I need some input or structure to the sessions.  I saw a CBT therapist privately for a while back when I lived in N.Ireland, but I didn’t really take it seriously at the time – I didn’t put as much into the homeworks and exercises as I should have done.  But I think the CBT approach is one that I need – it really makes sense to me to change your thoughts, because I know that’s how I get myself into a spiral of depression to begin with.

So I’m really not sure what to do.  I wanted to have seen the doctor and asked her opinion so I would know for sure what to do by Thursday, but…  Plus there is the cost to it, I know it’s only every week but we aren’t bringing in a lot of money at the minute & I really don’t feel like I can afford it.  Well I am going to have to cancel the counsellor anyway on Thursday while I go to the doctor.

As for today… it’s a horrible, rainy day so I will probably listen to my Louise Hay audios while I’m working at the computer to try & relax me.  Maybe do some baking as well, I printed off a recipe for Lemon Drizzle Cake a couple of days ago but hadn’t felt like baking it.  Or chocolate chip muffins…?

May 26, 2010

So – The appointment itself!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 11:45 am by copingwithdepression

After seeing the state I was in G said he would drive me – if we missed the parcel collection then so be it.  He told me I was silly for not telling him earlier about it.   I was relieved but also a bit deflated  this was my chance to prove I could do it and I chickened out…

Well I told the counsellor all this, plus what had been stressing me out all week and causing more sleep deprived, worryful nights.  Basically I am stressing about money – we don’t have enough coming in now that G’s online business website has been “down” for the last 3 months.  He keeps saying he’ll get it fixed and updated but he never seems to get round to it. I’m tried of nagging him about it.  I keep saying to him to teach me how to do it (I’m not great with computers) and I’ll sit and work at it – it would give me something to focus on for a few hours a day.  But he says no I won’t know how to do it and it’ll frustrate him more trying to teach me.  So no website.  Which equals a big drop in income.  This is the first “job” he’s had since moving over with me.  For over a year we have always solely relied on my income.  I was never really comfortable with this – I felt a bit like he was using me and my parents certainly think that.  But then at the time we were going through a really rough patch when he had an affair of sorts with an old flame via god old Facebook and I was terrified of him going out to get a job in case he met someone else.  So, although he never pushed the idea that he wanted a job, I think I’m partly responsible for him not getting one.

So back to the present – I had just been stressing over the fact that he wasn’t spending any time trying to get the website sorted but could spend hours on the internet looking at all the things he wants to buy next.  Plus deisgning a bike kit for him and 3 mates which is costing over £200.  he doesn’t seem to realise that the money has to come from somewhere – it’s all want, want, want.  Plus if I say no or raise objections he goes in a real sulk for days saying I’m trying to control him.  I can’t live with that and the way he always makes me feel like it’s my fault makes me give in eventually.  This all came out at the appointment and the counsellor was shocked at how things have been going.  It was another of those “Oh God, is it really as bad as it sounds” moments.  She said I need to think hard about why he is with me – is it just to get an easy ride, knowing I’ll provide the money for him to spend…?

Oh the confusion. I really get the impression, although she doesn’t say it staight out, that she thinks our relationship is doomed.  That scares me so much.   I don’t want to have another train wreck of a relationship and for me to be left in tatters at the end of it.  But I really want things to change.

Once again, he knew something was up after my appt as I was acting all down etc…  I was just so confused.  How are you meant to carry on with a normal day when you are having all these doubts?  So I ended up telling him most of what was talked about – he said he was sorry for not doing much work on the website and he would try and  have it up and running by the end of the week.  He got quite defensive about the other stuff about him using me for my money – saying in his view it was “our” money as we are together.  He was being all nice and hugging me etc but I still didn’t feel 100% OK.  So a couple of hours later it started again – me bursting into tears saying how unhappy I am and things really need to change.  We always say this but it never happens but I am so serious this time.  I need to have some happiness in my life.  I want it so badly.  The thing is we have so many issues I don’t know how to start making things better.  Maybe our relationship is doomed – maybe we’re not right for each other (we seem like complete opposites most of the time) but I can’t give up without a fight.  I don’t know as well is it mainly due to my depression – if I was feeling better would our relaitonship magically improve too?  I need to work on both things.  I’m going to the library today to look for a relationship survival guide to give me some ideas.  It can’t hurt can it?

May 13, 2010

A little further forward

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 3:28 pm by copingwithdepression

Well I haven’t written for a few days and I suppose that is a good thing (I’ve been keeping busy with other things and not been feeling too bad).  I had mentioned previously that a session with my counsellor had brought up lots of feelings about my boyfriend and whether he was actually making me feel worse by not accepting my depression….  well I thought and worried about  this for days and it was inevitably brought to a head by a big argument.  I just flipped out at him after he was making one of his usual put-down comments and we didn’t speak all day.  He then came to me & said he wanted to get a flight home (to N.Ireland) & would I drive him to the airport.! I told him to get lost, if he wanted to go to the airport he could make his own way there.

Well after a series of letters back & forward (I feel that’s the only real way I can communicate with people – sad) we kinda had a truce.  I just explained all my feelings to him that he doesn’t support me or accept me for what I am.  He said he didn’t realise things were so bad with my depression & that i need to talk to him more (I try but it’s not easy when you know someone doesn’t understand you)…

I said that it is not only me that needs to change – he needs to realise that what he says and how he acts can really affect me, especially if I am having a low day.  He said he would try to be more considerate and so far things have been a bit better.  I know I need to work on myself as well, try to make myself stronger so I don’t take his comments so much to heart…

I haven’t had any time to continue reading my Overcoming Depression book in the last few days… I did listen to a relaxation CD the counsellor gave me last night, it was OK, I’ve used others in the past which are better… but it got me over to sleep a lot quicker than usual.

3rd appt with my counsellor tonight, so will write tomorrow about how I got on.

May 5, 2010

Love hurts

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 10:07 am by copingwithdepression

SO – my 2nd visit to the cousellor.  I had been anxious all day about going which didn’t help my state of mind to begin with.  I was feeling low and teary which only got worse with my boyfriend G giong on at me about how much I annoy him and how frustrated he is with me being so negative all the time.  We drove to the counsellor in silence (he has to drive me as I don’t have the confidence to drive myself).  I was just honest with her about how I was feeling and what had happened between me & G that day.  She talked me through it and even when I was telling her everything I was aware of how un-supportive he can be.  She made me realise that my anxiety of how he is going to react to me makes my stress even worse.  I was trying to make excuses for him like “he just doesn’t understand why I am depressed” and “I need someone to be like that with me though (ie unsympathetic) so I don’t wallow in how bad I’m feeling.”  I’ve just been left so confused.  I know his reaction to my depression makes me feel even worse.  And sometimes a fight between us can trigger a depressive episode , but does that mean our whole relationship is wrong?  That he is controlling of me?  I do feel he controls me in other ways – I try to tell myself that he is only doing it for me but now I wonder… But if he doesn’t really love me why is he here, putting up with all my shit moods?  Or maybe he just thinks he lvoes me.

I read in the Overcoming Depression book that when you are depressed is not a good time to make judgements about how relationships are going – as you can rarely have any positive thoughts such as love and negative thoughts dominate.  It is normal to feel guilty and confused, thinking that you don’t love someone but it may only be the depression talking.  It’s like you’ve lost your ability to feel love.  I certainly feel like that.  So I think that if I give up on us now, for short term gains to ease my anxiety at the minute I will regret it in the future.  There are many things I like about him – it tends to annoy me at the minute because of how low I am feeling but he is always positive and trying to make me smile.  He gives me a lot of support with the business.  He respects my wishes and doesn’t go out drinking etc (another story – my mum is an alcoholic).  He seems to love me.  But does he love me for who I am at the minute – depression and all?  Or the me he thoguht I was when we met?  I just don’t know.

I feel in my heart that I love him and everything will be OK once I finally start to feel better.  But when will that be?  I don’t know if we have the strength (together or seperately) to stick it out.  It may just make us hate each other more in the meantime.  Then I’m scared that if we take a break that he’ll meet someone else and I’ll be left thinking that I am waiting on our future.

April 29, 2010

2days update

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 5:58 pm by copingwithdepression

Mooched around after writing my earlier post – it actually took me 2 hours to get a shower and get dressed!  Didn’t really feel like eating but had something as had to make the other half lunch.

Read a bit more of my book – we’re on to the actual strategies now to help you out of the depression.  Yeah yeah get a notebook and fill in this table – it’s ok saying that but I couldn’t even face it.  I’m thinking negatively I know – I just don’t see how this will help.

G (the other half) said “What are you doing just sitting there all day” which succeeded in making me feel even worse.  After a few sorry for myself tears I actually got up to do something.

Yeah!  I did some housework which actually did make me feel a bit better.  G is away for a run now in the pouring rain and slammed the door when he left as I said I couldn’t be bothered coming with him.  I’ll start dinner now so maybe that’ll put me in the good books?

I really hate how my depressions  affect my relationship – of course they’re bound to – but it’s just so hard seeing how I can bring G down and leave him feeling frustrated.  Wish I had a magic wand today and could blow it all away.

The good thing is it’s nearly night time = bedtime = the end of this day.

Don’t want to think about tomorow yet… Maybe I will manage to get out my notebook?

April 25, 2010


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 9:04 am by copingwithdepression

I went to the library and couldn’t get the book I wanted  – ended up getting Overcoming Low Self Esteem – A Self Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques.  Thought this would be useful anyway as I do have really low self – esteem.  Only read a few chapters so far but it does all make sense – it’s just whether I can be motivated to fill in all the self help sheets whenever I’m having a low moment.  One thing it does say throughout the book is that if you are clinically depressed also to seek treatment for that first.  So I will be getting the Overcoming Depression book as soon as I can!

I’m feeling much better today and yesterday – not sure if it’s because I’ve started writing this.  But the few days before I was overcome with such crushing depression, where I could hardly get out of bed in the morning as I felt I had nothing to look forward to or aim for in my life.  I do regularly get days like this and it is so hard to function normally.  My relationship is really suffering as well as he just does not understand why I get so depressed and I generally don’t know why I am so depressed….

I would love to know if anyone has read either of the 2 books I’ve mentioned above and if they were of any real practical help?  I really want to make this blog into all the things that do and do not work in helping depression (other than medication) rather than just focusing on my low moods all the time zzzzz!