August 12, 2010

Will I Ever Feel Better..?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 1:53 pm by copingwithdepression

Saw the doctor this morning. Told her how I had been feeling over the last wk or so – staying in bed a couple of days, feeling useless, feeling like I wanted to end things etc… and she said she doesn’t really think I’m responding to the Citalopram. I’ve been taking 30mg for the last few weeks. She said I could either increase it to 40mg daily or change to a different anti depressant, Mirtazapine.

Now, that scares me. How can I not be getting any real effect from the Citalopram by now? Maybe it supports my original thoughts that I need to sort out my head and my negative thinking rather than take any drug. It also scares me that she is thinking of changing me to Mirtazapine. When I used to work as a pharmacist, Mirtazapine (Zispin) was always considered as a real “hard-core” drug for the complete looney bins. Honestly, I may be being really sterotypical here but 99.9% of the people who came in with scipts for it looked like real down and outs, absolutely horrendous!

It scares me that I might be like that myself now. I told the doctor this and she kind of laughed a bit. She said a few years ago when the Mirtazapine was quite new it would only have been prescribed by psychiatrists for the really bad patients to try it out. However now, it is quite widely used. She also says it can make you very tired and feel very hungry. The last things I need!

She also did another depression test thing, and I had only reduced 2 points on the scale from the first time I went to see her. She said I’m still very teary and quite unstable. Yep – agreed!

So, I’ve to try the 40mg for the next 3 weeks until she gets back from hol – and then review things.

I also asked her about the letter I had received for the assessment at the mental health clinic. She said I will be seeing a psychologist first who will assess me fully for about an hour, and then they will recommend what sort of therapy I need. It isn’t instant though. Once I see the psychologist I have to then go on another waiting list for whatever therapy is recommended… Phew… It’s hard work trying to get better via the NHS. Wish I could afford to go to a really good CBT counsellor myself – I might be a lot further down the road than I am now. Ah well… gotta keep fighting on.

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July 30, 2010

Frickin NHS….

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 3:00 pm by copingwithdepression

.. So I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. It ws a month since I was last there so naturally (for me) I was feeling nervous & anxious. I usually have to wait for my appointment but this time I waited just over an hour – madness!

The appointment itself was fine, I didn’t bring up any of the stuff about me thinking I may have BPD rather than simple depression – but I knew I wouldn’t, I’m such a chicken. I am to stay on my current dose of Citalopram (30mg) for another 2 weeks, then she is thinking of increasing it again to 40mg. Yikes. Don’t know how I feel about taking so much, but I’m still having really low days where I feel I can’t cope at all.

The doctor was meant to refer me to start a computer based CBT programme while I am waiting for my counselling sessions to come through. I hadn’t heard anything about the computer course yet so I asked her – it turns out that the PCT have withdrawn it from their services! Great!

She then asked had I heard anything about the counselling. I said No. Apparently I should have received a letter after a bout a month asking if I definitely wanted to opt into the counselling. No such letter was received. So it looks like there has been a cock-up there as well. My referral obviously hasn’t gone through properly so after waiting 2 months, I’ll have to go back to the original 3-4 month wait. I need this counselling!!

Things are still not great between G & I. It seems  like all we do is wipe up after the puppy, we don’t have any time for each other. The other day he got annoyed at me saying how I had been on anti-depressants for 2 months and I don’t seem to be getting any better. He said I’m getting worse. I don’t think I’m getting worse. Compared to where I was I feel a lot better. It’s just all the stress with the puppy etc, I really find it hard to cope.

Ah well, onwards and upwards. My new blog Nic’s Notebook is keeping me occupied so that’s a good thing I guess.

July 5, 2010

That was quick!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 9:42 am by copingwithdepression

That’s what I said to the doctor when I was called 3 mins after my appointment time – there’s a first time for everything!  So I was actually feeling quite calm when I went in as I didn’t have the dreaded 30 min wait before hand.  I started to tell her how I thought I had been coping a bit better etc and was more aware of my moods… and for seemingly no reason at all I started crying and shanking uncontrollably.  Honestly, I just seem to cry at anything.

I also told her about my self-harming (which she said wasn’t actually self-harming).  I didn’t mention anything about the BPD diagnosis just told her some of the symptoms but she didn’t seem that worried.  She just said that is something I need to bring up with the CBT therapist when I see them.  As for the self-harming she said I am not actually trying to kill myself when I cut myself so it’s related to self-harm but actually isn’t…. Oh, Ok then.  It’s completely normal?

She also wanted me to increase my Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg a day as she thinks I should be feeling more of an effect from them by now.  I wasn’t too keen on that as I didn’t want it either to activate me too much or make me really dopey.  So we settled on increasing it to 30mg for the next month.

I said to her I still hadn’t heard about the CBT computer programme she was referring me for.  It turned out that she hadn’t completed the referral as she thought that the counselling itself would be more appropriate for me.  I said to her that I really wanted something to start work on before my appointments copme through, and that I had been looking forward to it.  So she said she will refer me after all.  Fingers crossed she actually does it this time!  She said I should hear from them soon.

So that is the up to date happenings at the doctor.  Lots more has been going on but don’t have time now to write it all!  Hopefully will get time later in the week.

June 19, 2010

Guilt…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 12:04 pm by copingwithdepression

… I mentioned before how I was having doubts about continuing with the counsellor I had been seeing.  I had cancelled our last appointment as it was the only time I could get booked in to see my doctor – I told the counsellor I would re-schedule but deep down I knew I wouldn’t.  Then I have been so busy with G’s brother visiting, and then his mum… I never got round to emailing her to let her know either way.  I guess I was hoping it would just “go away”.

Then yesterday I got a letter in the post marker “Personal & Confidential”, I had no idea what it was maybe something from the doctor?  But I opened it & it was a letter from the counsellor saying she hadn’t heard rom me so she assumes that means I do not want to continue with the sessions etc…  It wasn’t a cheecky letter, and she wished me luck in it.  There was also an enclosed questionnaire for me to complete with my views on how the counselling helped (or not)…  But I just felt so GUILTY.  For not getting back in contact with her, for letting her down, for letting myself down as I know I should really have continued with her at least until my CBT appointments come through.

It’s not a major situation at all – it would be simple to fill in the questionnaire & post it back to her.  But it really affected me.  I kept thinking should I write her a letter & explain why I felt I couldn’t continue or is that being stupid?  Should I be honest in the questionnaire & say I expected/wanted/needed to get more out of the sessions than I actually did?  Or should I just ignore it & not reply?  I think if I ignore it it will make my guilt even worse.

So I don’t know if it was totally to do with the letter or not but I had a really down day yesterday for the first time in ages.  Everything G did was annoying me even though he was trying to cheer me up.  I just wanted to be alone, to run away from the world.  G mananged to drag me out for a walk to Delamere Forest while he went mountain biking.  I didn’t even want to get out of the car I just couldn’t be bothered.  But I did, and I’m glad as I had a nice brisk walk for about half an hour and enjoyed the solitude of the forest with only the birds tweeting!

While I’m on the subject of birds…2 of my 3 cats caught a baby bird each yesterday.  Now I love/adore my cats to bits but I’m such a sensitive wee soul & love all other animals that it really affects me when they bring a half dead bird into the house.  I don’t know why but I get really upset!  And I was already feeling so down yesterday this didn’t help.  One of the birds was still alive so we put it in a box with some kitchen roll shredded up & left it to recover, but it was dead this morning when G went to check on it.  Poor birdies.. Nasty cats.  I know it’s only their nature but I still don’t like it!