June 18, 2010

Doctors update!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 10:14 am by copingwithdepression

Well I went to the Doctor’s yesterday – it amazes me no matter how early my appointment is she is already running at least 15 mins behind!  Which means I’ve to sit & wait & get even more anxious!  Anyway, it went OK I think.  I just got the underlying feeling that she didn’t really know what to say to me/was a bit awkward with me.  I told her how I hadn’t been feeling so bad as we had lots of visitors & that helped take my mind off things & get me out & about.  I sort of felt like a fake as I was in such a state the last time I was there with her.  I don’t know – I think deep down I think I should be able to cope myself with everything – I don’t see myself as seriously mentally ill.  But then again when it all gets on top of me I really just want to end it all.  Surely that’s not normal.  I worry so much about what other people think of me as well which is why this is bothering me.

Anyway the doctor had referred me for CBT, & she is going to refer me for some CBT computer programme you do yourself at home, she siad that would be useful until my appointments come through.  She also gave me some Positivie Rewards CD’s which is “Positive Mental Training: A 12 week training programme that promotes mental skills for lifelong personal & professional success.”  The first CD’s are just the intro & relaxation & mental programming exercises.  You have to listen to one track every day for 1 week, then move onto the next track.  I am interested in stuff like this, so I am going to start today & give it a go.

I’ve to go & see her again in 2 weeks to get more Citalopram & get the next CD in the series.

June 1, 2010

Doctors? Not yet…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , at 7:48 am by copingwithdepression

Well I got up at 8 this morning ready to phone the doctors for an appointment today – the one doctor I have seen before in that practice (who was quite nice) is off work today & tomorrow…  I didn’t want to book in to see anyone else who I have never met before because I would feel even more nervous.  So I made an appointment for Thursday morning.  It’s only 2 days away, but I feel gutted, just becasue I got myself so worked about going today I think.  I am shaking so hard I can barely type this!

And OH I have just realised – I was meant to have an appointment with my counsellor on Thursday morning, so I will have to cancel / re-arrange that.  I have been having doubts about continuing with this counsellor.  It is just someone I found on the interent via BACP in my local area – I had searched through loads but this lady’s website looked really professional etc and I liked the way she said things.  But she is a person-centered counsellor which means she really just sits and listens and gives you a safe place to work out your feelings and come to conclusions.  Which is OK, but I really feel I need some input or structure to the sessions.  I saw a CBT therapist privately for a while back when I lived in N.Ireland, but I didn’t really take it seriously at the time – I didn’t put as much into the homeworks and exercises as I should have done.  But I think the CBT approach is one that I need – it really makes sense to me to change your thoughts, because I know that’s how I get myself into a spiral of depression to begin with.

So I’m really not sure what to do.  I wanted to have seen the doctor and asked her opinion so I would know for sure what to do by Thursday, but…  Plus there is the cost to it, I know it’s only every week but we aren’t bringing in a lot of money at the minute & I really don’t feel like I can afford it.  Well I am going to have to cancel the counsellor anyway on Thursday while I go to the doctor.

As for today… it’s a horrible, rainy day so I will probably listen to my Louise Hay audios while I’m working at the computer to try & relax me.  Maybe do some baking as well, I printed off a recipe for Lemon Drizzle Cake a couple of days ago but hadn’t felt like baking it.  Or chocolate chip muffins…?

May 31, 2010

Mars & Venus Update

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 6:00 pm by copingwithdepression

Well we’ve got through the last 2 days since my “meltdown”.  I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that it is up to me if I want to improve this relationship or not – there is no point in G trying & me being half-hearted about it, thinking all the time that it won’t work.  This will be very hard for me, but I am determined to do it.  I also know I can’t make any rash decisions while I’m in such a bad state of mind.  All I can do is take each day as it comes and see how things go.

The last 2 nights we have gone to bed at the same time and read a couple of chapters of Mars & Venus In L ove.  It makes a lot of sense in that it shows how we haven’t been communicating properly and have been antagonising each other.  Then we are living with all the frustration and built-up resentment.  For the 1st time in ages I’m beginning to see a “way out” – what things could be like between us.

I’ve also been doing a lot of listening to my Louise Hay audios – all about affirmations and how to change your thinking.  Today, for eg, we were both sitting working on our computers to get the website up and running and I had listened to 2+ hours of Louise Hay and nice relaxing music.  I was feeling quite calm and peaceful and then it just changed like that.  G made some comment, I took it the wrong way & immediately my whole mood changed.  Cue some more nasty comments on both sides & now I felt awful.  It was amazing how quickly it changed.  After 30 mins or so to cool down, he came to talk to me about it – I had a cry, I just felt once again like we’re never going to be able to be happy.  Either I annoy him or vice-versa and it starts a whole new argument.  I know it’s a generalisation but it just really got me down.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow as well.  I thought I would go today but forgot it was bank holiday.  So, I can feel myself getting panicky already when I think about going tomorrow.  I know it’s silly, but I get so nervous whenever I’ve to go to the doctors about something like this.  I just hate having to try and describe why I’m depressed to a new person.  But it needs to be done.  I’m not 100% keen on starting anti-depressants again, but I’ll talk to the doctor and see.  If the waiting list for psychotherapy is years long I will probably be better starting some sort of medication.  I’ll try and keep my mind off it tonight and hopefully will sleep OK.  Will keep you updated with how I get on.