June 19, 2010

Guilt…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 12:04 pm by copingwithdepression

… I mentioned before how I was having doubts about continuing with the counsellor I had been seeing.  I had cancelled our last appointment as it was the only time I could get booked in to see my doctor – I told the counsellor I would re-schedule but deep down I knew I wouldn’t.  Then I have been so busy with G’s brother visiting, and then his mum… I never got round to emailing her to let her know either way.  I guess I was hoping it would just “go away”.

Then yesterday I got a letter in the post marker “Personal & Confidential”, I had no idea what it was maybe something from the doctor?  But I opened it & it was a letter from the counsellor saying she hadn’t heard rom me so she assumes that means I do not want to continue with the sessions etc…  It wasn’t a cheecky letter, and she wished me luck in it.  There was also an enclosed questionnaire for me to complete with my views on how the counselling helped (or not)…  But I just felt so GUILTY.  For not getting back in contact with her, for letting her down, for letting myself down as I know I should really have continued with her at least until my CBT appointments come through.

It’s not a major situation at all – it would be simple to fill in the questionnaire & post it back to her.  But it really affected me.  I kept thinking should I write her a letter & explain why I felt I couldn’t continue or is that being stupid?  Should I be honest in the questionnaire & say I expected/wanted/needed to get more out of the sessions than I actually did?  Or should I just ignore it & not reply?  I think if I ignore it it will make my guilt even worse.

So I don’t know if it was totally to do with the letter or not but I had a really down day yesterday for the first time in ages.  Everything G did was annoying me even though he was trying to cheer me up.  I just wanted to be alone, to run away from the world.  G mananged to drag me out for a walk to Delamere Forest while he went mountain biking.  I didn’t even want to get out of the car I just couldn’t be bothered.  But I did, and I’m glad as I had a nice brisk walk for about half an hour and enjoyed the solitude of the forest with only the birds tweeting!

While I’m on the subject of birds…2 of my 3 cats caught a baby bird each yesterday.  Now I love/adore my cats to bits but I’m such a sensitive wee soul & love all other animals that it really affects me when they bring a half dead bird into the house.  I don’t know why but I get really upset!  And I was already feeling so down yesterday this didn’t help.  One of the birds was still alive so we put it in a box with some kitchen roll shredded up & left it to recover, but it was dead this morning when G went to check on it.  Poor birdies.. Nasty cats.  I know it’s only their nature but I still don’t like it!

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