July 14, 2010

Funeral

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 9:03 am by copingwithdepression

Well all went OK at the funeral.  I was shattered after getting up at 6am then a 4 hour car journey to London.  As soon as we were there I got really panicky and shaky but met all the family OK.  When it came to meeting my auntie (the widow) and her kids I just completely froze – I wanted to say how sorry I was etc.. but I could only hug them, no words would come out.  I felt a bit bad about that as I could sense they were expecting me to say something!

The funeral itself was emotional.  Afterwards everyone went to a local bar where they had hired a room.  It was a bit awkward at times with the family – I got the usual questions about what I was working at now etc…  no-one said anything about me leaving my “good job” but I got the feeling they knew and were viewing me differently because of it, if that makes sense?

I was glad G was there with me, he made it a lot easier.  I’m a quiet person anyway but in this sort of situation I tend to get even quieter!  G chatted away and included me in the conversations.

My auntie got really really drunk after the funeral (understandable I know as she was so upset) but when I went to say goodbye to her at about 8pm it really scared me the state she was in.  She could barely even open her eyes, it just really reminded me of the states I used to find my mum in.  It was scary.

But at around midnight we arrived home safely, absolutely shattered!  All in all it wasn’t as bad as I had feared, I just wish I wasn’t so socially awkward.

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July 10, 2010

Stress…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 7:41 am by copingwithdepression

…and lack of sleep is really not good for me!  I haven’t had time to write in ages but the thing that’s really causing me problems at the minute is the fact I’ve to go to my uncle’s funeral on Monday.  Shouldn’t be a big deal, right?  But it’s kind of an awkward situation – my mum hasn’t spoken to her sister & all her family for about 8 years over a stupid reason.  And even though I wasn’t involved in it, I haven’t spoken to them either – I feel that they automatically think I took my mum’s views since I lived with her.  So now the sister’s husband has died of cancer (very quickly) and my mum is being really selfish and refusing to go to the funeral.  But of course she expects me to go.  My 2 brother’s are going and my dad as well but I’m just terrified that I’ll get the cold shoulder treatment because of my mum’s behaviour.  My 2 brothers have always had a better relationship with them because they are older and lived in England also whereas me and my mum were back home in N.Ireland.

The thought of a big family gathering terrifies me!  I hate all the looks and all the questions about why I left my “good sensible” job as a pharmacist to “doss around” working from home.  I hate feeling guilty for my actions.  I suppose this comes back to me wanting to please everyone all the time and to always have everyone’s approval.

But G is driving down to London on Monday (a 4 hour journey yikes!) and I am going to go and put a brave face on.  I suppose it is selfish of me to assume that everyone is going to be worried about me!  They’re all going to be grieving and thinking of more important things I guess.

It is better in a way  that my mum isn’t going because I know she would expect me to stand with her at all t imes to protect her while she get’s drunker and drunker – and I really couldn’t handle that.  I’m not looking forward to the drinking bit after the funeral, it really makes me uncomfortable and I feel really left out as I don’t really drink at all.  But it’s a good thing that we’ll have a long drive home so we can leave early!

I have to go and buy some black trousers today as I don’t own any!