June 4, 2010

Trust

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 8:08 am by copingwithdepression

How do you start to trust someone again?

Yesterday G came & told me that an ex had messaged him on Facebook – nothing sinister, just talking about Egypt becasue she saw on his post he said we were going for holiday there.  He told me he was telling me so I didn’t worry & to prove there was nothing in it.  But I still felt awful – pure jealousy & insecurity.  This was no ordinary ex.  This was probably the love of his life.  I could not settle until he nipped out & I logged on to his facebook to check the message (bad I know but I couldn’t handle not knowing).. It was an innocent message from her, but he had replied asking her all about her life & he’s sure there’s a man on the go etc….  Anyway I made him promise that if she replied then he wouldn’t pursue it any further & he agreed.

The reason this scares me so much is because it happened before.

Last summer G had been staying up most nights until 2-3am (as he has been recently also), I was insecure and suspicious anyway thinking he was probably looking at porn or whatever.  But this one night he came to bed at 4am & I was awake & in a real state.  I had a go at him about coming to bed so late/early & just whatever way he said “I’ve been catching up with old friends is that not allowed…?” made me think something was going on.

So I got up early the next morning to check his trusty facebook messages and low & behold what did I find.  A series of messages to some girl saying how he had been searching all over the internet for her, he really misses her, thinks about her all the time & the time they spent together, how she is the most beautiful woman in the world etc etc….  I was absolutley livid!  I went upstairs & practically dragged him out of the bed & yelled at him.  Turns out it is an ex he had while living in America for 1 year while at uni (she still lives in America)…  To begin with he didn’t see that he had done anything wrong & said it was all innocent.

I was on the verge of leaving but he physically stopped me leaving the bedroom, then he disconnected the internet so I couldn’t get on the computer to book a flight.  He can be very manipulative.  He also texted his brother saying that I was kicking him out & he had nowhere to go…. whereas the complete opposite was true, I was wanting to leave!  Anyway I barely spoke to him for 2-3 days and moved into the spare room.  At the start he kept saying I was over-exaggerating etc…  But finally I think he knew how hurt & upset I was & the explanation followed…

…Apparently this is something that he has always done when in relationships (ie talked to other women on the internet) & he never thought it was wrong until I made him see that (ahem!)…  He thinks he might have done it to feel good about himself because we were having a bad time etc etc.

So a week later I was still in the spare room & still barely speaking to him.  He had written me notes etc telling me how sorry he was but I was just so hurt.

I should say at this point that G has always had a bit of a problem with gambling, he will willingly waste £££’s on horse-racing, bingo whatever.  It had been a source of contention many times & I had told him I wasn’t happy with him doing it & wasting our (my) money.

So one day after I had got one of his letters, I came downstairs to talk to him – I admit it I was softening & just wanted a hug or something.  Well I found him in the middle of betting on horse-racing online!  I just couldn’t believe it, how could I ever trust him now.  A big argument followed where he admitted he was semi addicted to gambling & had been for years…. wow, now I get told!

It took a lot of weeks for me to come round.  At the time he had said I could do whatever I wanted to stop him using the computer when I wasn’t there… so we set it up so it needed my password to open it up.  He carried on with this fine for a couple of weeks then started complaining that he could never do what he wanted etc.. and why couldn’t I trust him by now.

Now there is no password on the computer.  Now he also has one of these app phones & he is on it all the time he’s not on the computer.  I am still suspicious & insecure, and it is eating me up inside.  This latest incident with the ex brought it all back – it may have just been an innocent message but it has left me feeling wretched inside.

How on earth do you start to trust someone?

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