July 10, 2010

Stress…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 7:41 am by copingwithdepression

…and lack of sleep is really not good for me!  I haven’t had time to write in ages but the thing that’s really causing me problems at the minute is the fact I’ve to go to my uncle’s funeral on Monday.  Shouldn’t be a big deal, right?  But it’s kind of an awkward situation – my mum hasn’t spoken to her sister & all her family for about 8 years over a stupid reason.  And even though I wasn’t involved in it, I haven’t spoken to them either – I feel that they automatically think I took my mum’s views since I lived with her.  So now the sister’s husband has died of cancer (very quickly) and my mum is being really selfish and refusing to go to the funeral.  But of course she expects me to go.  My 2 brother’s are going and my dad as well but I’m just terrified that I’ll get the cold shoulder treatment because of my mum’s behaviour.  My 2 brothers have always had a better relationship with them because they are older and lived in England also whereas me and my mum were back home in N.Ireland.

The thought of a big family gathering terrifies me!  I hate all the looks and all the questions about why I left my “good sensible” job as a pharmacist to “doss around” working from home.  I hate feeling guilty for my actions.  I suppose this comes back to me wanting to please everyone all the time and to always have everyone’s approval.

But G is driving down to London on Monday (a 4 hour journey yikes!) and I am going to go and put a brave face on.  I suppose it is selfish of me to assume that everyone is going to be worried about me!  They’re all going to be grieving and thinking of more important things I guess.

It is better in a way  that my mum isn’t going because I know she would expect me to stand with her at all t imes to protect her while she get’s drunker and drunker – and I really couldn’t handle that.  I’m not looking forward to the drinking bit after the funeral, it really makes me uncomfortable and I feel really left out as I don’t really drink at all.  But it’s a good thing that we’ll have a long drive home so we can leave early!

I have to go and buy some black trousers today as I don’t own any!

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June 19, 2010

Guilt…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 12:04 pm by copingwithdepression

… I mentioned before how I was having doubts about continuing with the counsellor I had been seeing.  I had cancelled our last appointment as it was the only time I could get booked in to see my doctor – I told the counsellor I would re-schedule but deep down I knew I wouldn’t.  Then I have been so busy with G’s brother visiting, and then his mum… I never got round to emailing her to let her know either way.  I guess I was hoping it would just “go away”.

Then yesterday I got a letter in the post marker “Personal & Confidential”, I had no idea what it was maybe something from the doctor?  But I opened it & it was a letter from the counsellor saying she hadn’t heard rom me so she assumes that means I do not want to continue with the sessions etc…  It wasn’t a cheecky letter, and she wished me luck in it.  There was also an enclosed questionnaire for me to complete with my views on how the counselling helped (or not)…  But I just felt so GUILTY.  For not getting back in contact with her, for letting her down, for letting myself down as I know I should really have continued with her at least until my CBT appointments come through.

It’s not a major situation at all – it would be simple to fill in the questionnaire & post it back to her.  But it really affected me.  I kept thinking should I write her a letter & explain why I felt I couldn’t continue or is that being stupid?  Should I be honest in the questionnaire & say I expected/wanted/needed to get more out of the sessions than I actually did?  Or should I just ignore it & not reply?  I think if I ignore it it will make my guilt even worse.

So I don’t know if it was totally to do with the letter or not but I had a really down day yesterday for the first time in ages.  Everything G did was annoying me even though he was trying to cheer me up.  I just wanted to be alone, to run away from the world.  G mananged to drag me out for a walk to Delamere Forest while he went mountain biking.  I didn’t even want to get out of the car I just couldn’t be bothered.  But I did, and I’m glad as I had a nice brisk walk for about half an hour and enjoyed the solitude of the forest with only the birds tweeting!

While I’m on the subject of birds…2 of my 3 cats caught a baby bird each yesterday.  Now I love/adore my cats to bits but I’m such a sensitive wee soul & love all other animals that it really affects me when they bring a half dead bird into the house.  I don’t know why but I get really upset!  And I was already feeling so down yesterday this didn’t help.  One of the birds was still alive so we put it in a box with some kitchen roll shredded up & left it to recover, but it was dead this morning when G went to check on it.  Poor birdies.. Nasty cats.  I know it’s only their nature but I still don’t like it!