June 4, 2010

Trust

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 8:08 am by copingwithdepression

How do you start to trust someone again?

Yesterday G came & told me that an ex had messaged him on Facebook – nothing sinister, just talking about Egypt becasue she saw on his post he said we were going for holiday there.  He told me he was telling me so I didn’t worry & to prove there was nothing in it.  But I still felt awful – pure jealousy & insecurity.  This was no ordinary ex.  This was probably the love of his life.  I could not settle until he nipped out & I logged on to his facebook to check the message (bad I know but I couldn’t handle not knowing).. It was an innocent message from her, but he had replied asking her all about her life & he’s sure there’s a man on the go etc….  Anyway I made him promise that if she replied then he wouldn’t pursue it any further & he agreed.

The reason this scares me so much is because it happened before.

Last summer G had been staying up most nights until 2-3am (as he has been recently also), I was insecure and suspicious anyway thinking he was probably looking at porn or whatever.  But this one night he came to bed at 4am & I was awake & in a real state.  I had a go at him about coming to bed so late/early & just whatever way he said “I’ve been catching up with old friends is that not allowed…?” made me think something was going on.

So I got up early the next morning to check his trusty facebook messages and low & behold what did I find.  A series of messages to some girl saying how he had been searching all over the internet for her, he really misses her, thinks about her all the time & the time they spent together, how she is the most beautiful woman in the world etc etc….  I was absolutley livid!  I went upstairs & practically dragged him out of the bed & yelled at him.  Turns out it is an ex he had while living in America for 1 year while at uni (she still lives in America)…  To begin with he didn’t see that he had done anything wrong & said it was all innocent.

I was on the verge of leaving but he physically stopped me leaving the bedroom, then he disconnected the internet so I couldn’t get on the computer to book a flight.  He can be very manipulative.  He also texted his brother saying that I was kicking him out & he had nowhere to go…. whereas the complete opposite was true, I was wanting to leave!  Anyway I barely spoke to him for 2-3 days and moved into the spare room.  At the start he kept saying I was over-exaggerating etc…  But finally I think he knew how hurt & upset I was & the explanation followed…

…Apparently this is something that he has always done when in relationships (ie talked to other women on the internet) & he never thought it was wrong until I made him see that (ahem!)…  He thinks he might have done it to feel good about himself because we were having a bad time etc etc.

So a week later I was still in the spare room & still barely speaking to him.  He had written me notes etc telling me how sorry he was but I was just so hurt.

I should say at this point that G has always had a bit of a problem with gambling, he will willingly waste £££’s on horse-racing, bingo whatever.  It had been a source of contention many times & I had told him I wasn’t happy with him doing it & wasting our (my) money.

So one day after I had got one of his letters, I came downstairs to talk to him – I admit it I was softening & just wanted a hug or something.  Well I found him in the middle of betting on horse-racing online!  I just couldn’t believe it, how could I ever trust him now.  A big argument followed where he admitted he was semi addicted to gambling & had been for years…. wow, now I get told!

It took a lot of weeks for me to come round.  At the time he had said I could do whatever I wanted to stop him using the computer when I wasn’t there… so we set it up so it needed my password to open it up.  He carried on with this fine for a couple of weeks then started complaining that he could never do what he wanted etc.. and why couldn’t I trust him by now.

Now there is no password on the computer.  Now he also has one of these app phones & he is on it all the time he’s not on the computer.  I am still suspicious & insecure, and it is eating me up inside.  This latest incident with the ex brought it all back – it may have just been an innocent message but it has left me feeling wretched inside.

How on earth do you start to trust someone?

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May 28, 2010

Disaster Strikes

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 9:40 am by copingwithdepression

Well, I spent another night in the spare room.  Let me explain what happened.

We had a row yesterday morning with G saying I give one of my cats more affection than him (yes he can be very childish!) and I just thought what is the point of trying to make this work if I have to deal with silly arguments like this all the time.  It would have been easy to put my arms around him & say “No, of course I love you more than the cat!” but I just couldn’t do it – I don’t know I just feel like I have so much anger & resentment built up towards him at the minute.  So, he actually came to me at lunch time & told me to stop being in a mood, to give him a hug & make things better.  So I did.  I also hate the way no matter if he starts the argument it’s always MY fault because I get more affected by it.  Anyway…

Yesterday afternoon was tough.  After we’d had the discussion about him going to start work on the website, he sat at the computer & did nothing (well, apart from internet browsing and facebook).  I got upset & went upstairs to read my book just beacuse I couldn’t face having to nag him again.  So I spent all afternoon in bed dozing/reading feeling worse & worse.

We went into the kitchen to make dinner & I just got so overwhelmed with everything I started crying… I always feel like he’s accusing me when he says “What’s wrong with you now” but he wasn’t too bad this time, he just hugged me.  I said to him over dinner why he hadn’t been doing the website after he promised he would.  He said he didn’t know but we would both get stuck into it after dinner.

So we did – he did more updating & I went over what he already did, fixing the fonts & checking things.  That was OK until it started raining, the conversation went as follows:

ME: “Oh, is that rain?”

G: “What? Yea, why?”

ME: “Because the washing’s out it’ll get wet” – getting up to run outside

G: “Do you need any help?” – not really interested

ME: “No, well I don’t NEED any help” – runnig out the door

G: “For F***’s sake, Dickhead” – yes you heard right

I couldn’t believe he had called me that (although it hasn’t been the first time).  He always gets on like this with his mum and I think it’s ridiculous, he just gets so angry he lashes out but it’s way unfair and disrespectful.  So I was angry, I came back in and said “Don’t you dare call me names like that, do you not see that the way you’re behaving isn’t helping me..”  THEN he started “Oh it’s all about you isn’t it, well what about me, I’m left here to put up with all your shit and all you care about is yourself…”  Me (raging) “Well what have you done to try & make things better, you don’t seem to realise that you need to change yourself to, I am so close to leaving you because things just never get any better”.. etc etc

Ended up with me walking out of the room at this stage to hear the word “Dick” being called after me.  I feel so so angry and hurt.  How can you treat someone you “care” about like that?  Raging.  I stayed upstairs all night, had a bath to try and calm me down (didn’t work) and read until I was so tired to go to sleep.

I have no idea what is going to happen today.  He is still up in bed.  I’m scared of what is going to be said.  I really am.  Help.  How can I make him understand that I need him to change too, the way he acts is part of the problem.  Yes I know I am mainly to blame – eg I could have just said Yes, I need you to help with bringing in the washing.  But I had to go & make a sarcastic remark.  We both need help.  I just don’t think he’s willing to listen, he thinks he’s fine as he is.