June 1, 2010

Doctors? Not yet…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , at 7:48 am by copingwithdepression

Well I got up at 8 this morning ready to phone the doctors for an appointment today – the one doctor I have seen before in that practice (who was quite nice) is off work today & tomorrow…  I didn’t want to book in to see anyone else who I have never met before because I would feel even more nervous.  So I made an appointment for Thursday morning.  It’s only 2 days away, but I feel gutted, just becasue I got myself so worked about going today I think.  I am shaking so hard I can barely type this!

And OH I have just realised – I was meant to have an appointment with my counsellor on Thursday morning, so I will have to cancel / re-arrange that.  I have been having doubts about continuing with this counsellor.  It is just someone I found on the interent via BACP in my local area – I had searched through loads but this lady’s website looked really professional etc and I liked the way she said things.  But she is a person-centered counsellor which means she really just sits and listens and gives you a safe place to work out your feelings and come to conclusions.  Which is OK, but I really feel I need some input or structure to the sessions.  I saw a CBT therapist privately for a while back when I lived in N.Ireland, but I didn’t really take it seriously at the time – I didn’t put as much into the homeworks and exercises as I should have done.  But I think the CBT approach is one that I need – it really makes sense to me to change your thoughts, because I know that’s how I get myself into a spiral of depression to begin with.

So I’m really not sure what to do.  I wanted to have seen the doctor and asked her opinion so I would know for sure what to do by Thursday, but…  Plus there is the cost to it, I know it’s only every week but we aren’t bringing in a lot of money at the minute & I really don’t feel like I can afford it.  Well I am going to have to cancel the counsellor anyway on Thursday while I go to the doctor.

As for today… it’s a horrible, rainy day so I will probably listen to my Louise Hay audios while I’m working at the computer to try & relax me.  Maybe do some baking as well, I printed off a recipe for Lemon Drizzle Cake a couple of days ago but hadn’t felt like baking it.  Or chocolate chip muffins…?

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May 31, 2010

Mars & Venus Update

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 6:00 pm by copingwithdepression

Well we’ve got through the last 2 days since my “meltdown”.  I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that it is up to me if I want to improve this relationship or not – there is no point in G trying & me being half-hearted about it, thinking all the time that it won’t work.  This will be very hard for me, but I am determined to do it.  I also know I can’t make any rash decisions while I’m in such a bad state of mind.  All I can do is take each day as it comes and see how things go.

The last 2 nights we have gone to bed at the same time and read a couple of chapters of Mars & Venus In L ove.  It makes a lot of sense in that it shows how we haven’t been communicating properly and have been antagonising each other.  Then we are living with all the frustration and built-up resentment.  For the 1st time in ages I’m beginning to see a “way out” – what things could be like between us.

I’ve also been doing a lot of listening to my Louise Hay audios – all about affirmations and how to change your thinking.  Today, for eg, we were both sitting working on our computers to get the website up and running and I had listened to 2+ hours of Louise Hay and nice relaxing music.  I was feeling quite calm and peaceful and then it just changed like that.  G made some comment, I took it the wrong way & immediately my whole mood changed.  Cue some more nasty comments on both sides & now I felt awful.  It was amazing how quickly it changed.  After 30 mins or so to cool down, he came to talk to me about it – I had a cry, I just felt once again like we’re never going to be able to be happy.  Either I annoy him or vice-versa and it starts a whole new argument.  I know it’s a generalisation but it just really got me down.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow as well.  I thought I would go today but forgot it was bank holiday.  So, I can feel myself getting panicky already when I think about going tomorrow.  I know it’s silly, but I get so nervous whenever I’ve to go to the doctors about something like this.  I just hate having to try and describe why I’m depressed to a new person.  But it needs to be done.  I’m not 100% keen on starting anti-depressants again, but I’ll talk to the doctor and see.  If the waiting list for psychotherapy is years long I will probably be better starting some sort of medication.  I’ll try and keep my mind off it tonight and hopefully will sleep OK.  Will keep you updated with how I get on.