May 25, 2010
Panic Attack
Oh my gosh, where do I start. Appointment with the counsellor this morning – so far I haven’t been able to drive myself there as I haven’t felt confident enough. I knew that we had to wait in the house today for a parcel to be collected so I knoew I would have to drive myself this time while G waited in the house. I thought I’d be OK and I would manage it – but as soon as I was in bed, listening to my relaxation track – i t hit me. My heart was pounding and no amount of deep breathing could calm it. I barely heard any of the relaxation track, all I could feel was the panic rising up in me. I tried listening to another track – no good. I kept going over and over things in my head imaging getting lost or worse having an accident in the car etc. There was no reasoning with me I was out of control. I felt a real tightness high up in my chest and could hardly breathe. Then I thought, OK I just won’t turn up to the appointment – then I felt so guilty at the thought of that. After the week I’d had I knew I could really do with seeing her and the thought of not going made me panic even more – how on earth was I ever going to get better. If I stopped going I knew it would be even harder for me to start again.
Gary then came to bed (his usual 2am time), I was wide awake and practically hyperventilating. Of course he didn’t notice and went straight to sleep. Of course I didn’t explain to him what was wrong I just took it that he didn’t care enough about me to notice. So that made me worse – I moved into the spare bedroom and tried to calm myself down. I had started thinking bad stuff about our relationship again, thinking what is the point? I was getting pains in my chest I was getting so worked up. So then I turned on the light and started reading my Overcoming Depression book – I don’t even know if I took any of it in, I just read and read to try and quieten my mind and tire myself out. Eventually I put the light out and chanted over and over to myself as I tried to get to sleep “I’ll handle it”. It must have worked as I woke up at 6.30 by the cat wanting his breakfast. I felt rough. I managed to doze for an hour or 2 after that. As for the appointment itself… to be continued in the next post…
