July 14, 2010

Funeral

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 9:03 am by copingwithdepression

Well all went OK at the funeral.  I was shattered after getting up at 6am then a 4 hour car journey to London.  As soon as we were there I got really panicky and shaky but met all the family OK.  When it came to meeting my auntie (the widow) and her kids I just completely froze – I wanted to say how sorry I was etc.. but I could only hug them, no words would come out.  I felt a bit bad about that as I could sense they were expecting me to say something!

The funeral itself was emotional.  Afterwards everyone went to a local bar where they had hired a room.  It was a bit awkward at times with the family – I got the usual questions about what I was working at now etc…  no-one said anything about me leaving my “good job” but I got the feeling they knew and were viewing me differently because of it, if that makes sense?

I was glad G was there with me, he made it a lot easier.  I’m a quiet person anyway but in this sort of situation I tend to get even quieter!  G chatted away and included me in the conversations.

My auntie got really really drunk after the funeral (understandable I know as she was so upset) but when I went to say goodbye to her at about 8pm it really scared me the state she was in.  She could barely even open her eyes, it just really reminded me of the states I used to find my mum in.  It was scary.

But at around midnight we arrived home safely, absolutely shattered!  All in all it wasn’t as bad as I had feared, I just wish I wasn’t so socially awkward.

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May 31, 2010

Mars & Venus Update

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 6:00 pm by copingwithdepression

Well we’ve got through the last 2 days since my “meltdown”.  I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that it is up to me if I want to improve this relationship or not – there is no point in G trying & me being half-hearted about it, thinking all the time that it won’t work.  This will be very hard for me, but I am determined to do it.  I also know I can’t make any rash decisions while I’m in such a bad state of mind.  All I can do is take each day as it comes and see how things go.

The last 2 nights we have gone to bed at the same time and read a couple of chapters of Mars & Venus In L ove.  It makes a lot of sense in that it shows how we haven’t been communicating properly and have been antagonising each other.  Then we are living with all the frustration and built-up resentment.  For the 1st time in ages I’m beginning to see a “way out” – what things could be like between us.

I’ve also been doing a lot of listening to my Louise Hay audios – all about affirmations and how to change your thinking.  Today, for eg, we were both sitting working on our computers to get the website up and running and I had listened to 2+ hours of Louise Hay and nice relaxing music.  I was feeling quite calm and peaceful and then it just changed like that.  G made some comment, I took it the wrong way & immediately my whole mood changed.  Cue some more nasty comments on both sides & now I felt awful.  It was amazing how quickly it changed.  After 30 mins or so to cool down, he came to talk to me about it – I had a cry, I just felt once again like we’re never going to be able to be happy.  Either I annoy him or vice-versa and it starts a whole new argument.  I know it’s a generalisation but it just really got me down.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow as well.  I thought I would go today but forgot it was bank holiday.  So, I can feel myself getting panicky already when I think about going tomorrow.  I know it’s silly, but I get so nervous whenever I’ve to go to the doctors about something like this.  I just hate having to try and describe why I’m depressed to a new person.  But it needs to be done.  I’m not 100% keen on starting anti-depressants again, but I’ll talk to the doctor and see.  If the waiting list for psychotherapy is years long I will probably be better starting some sort of medication.  I’ll try and keep my mind off it tonight and hopefully will sleep OK.  Will keep you updated with how I get on.