July 15, 2010

Difficult situation

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 11:15 am by copingwithdepression

For a bit of history for anyone who isn’t aware of my family situation:

– My mum & dad have been seperated for about 17 years, although he would often go to stay with her in the house.  And they go away to their house in Turkey 4 times a year on holiday.  It’s a strange relationship, I have always thought that my mum just uses my dad when she wants him i.e. to go away on holiday.

– My mum is an alcoholic and her drinking has got her into serious problems with the police for shoplifting and drink driving etc…  I don’t know exactly how bad she is at the minute as I left home a year and a half ago.  But it was very bad when I was there and I can only imagine it has got worse.  I hate speaking to her on the phone as I’m always scared she is going to be plastered… I’ve learnt not to phone her after 4pm as she’s always drunk by then.

So, my dad has been over in England for a few weeks living between my house and my 2 brother’s houses.  Not an ideal situation as you can imagine but that’s a post for another day!  He decided he was going to go and visit my mum and booked a flight for today.  My house phone rang at 10.30pm last night and I just knew it would be my mum.  She was absolutely as drunk as a skunk, she could hardly speak she was slurring her words so much.  Basically she was saying that she didn’t want my dad to come over, she was too stressed out when he was there and she had to be put on even more diazepam and higher antidepressant dose after he left the last time.  And of course she didn’t want to speak to him but told me to tell him he was not to come over.  Talk about an awkward situation!

I had to go in and tell my dad what she had said.  Of course he was not happy, I thought he was going to cry or something. He was saying “What have I done to her now…?”.  I really feel sorry for him in a way.  Even though they are sepearated I think he still sees himself very much as her husband.  He likes to go over and stay there, and he likes to take her away for holidays even though it’s obvious to anyone else she is using him.

I was really uspset as well at the state my mum was in on the phone.  It was just the fact she was expecting me to do her dirty work as well.

Well it didn’t work, as this morning my dad headed off to the airport anyway.  He’s crazy for going.  I’m scared now my mum is going to go mad and completely go off the rails.  Plus she will blame me for not keeping him here.  I feel like I have let her down but it isn’t really my responsibilty to get involved in their arguments is it?

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June 21, 2010

Up & down

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , at 10:57 am by copingwithdepression

Well the last couple of days I’ve really been struggling with my moods – after me worrying that I was wasting the doctors time last week as I was feeling relatively sane.  G & I have been having more niggly fights which always sends me into a black mood & activates all my negative thinking about the relationship.  I’ve been quite stressed out as I’ve been having to do a lot of phoning people trying to get our old car sold & a new one organised.  I hate having to phone people at the best of times, it just makes me so anxious.

I’ve been reading a lot of mental health blogs recently & I was coming across a lot of terms I had never heard of.  One was BPD Borderline Personality Disorder, so I Googled it to see what it involved.  I was shocked to find out that a lot of it sounded very familiar & I am starting to worry now that it might be applicable to me…  But what do I do about it?  I can hardly walk into the doctors & tell her I think I have diagnosed myself!  You see, there are a lot of things such as self harm & impulsive behaviour that I have never told anyone before.  And I’m scared to.  If you admit to bad things that you have done in the past can you still get in trouble for them now??   I just don’t know what to do.

I really feel that I am on a downward spiral again & I’m not sure I can control it.  Plus I have to  phone my mum later – maximum stress!  The last time I saw her I was in tears so I know she’s just going to push me into talking about how things are going which I find really hard to do without breaking down…  Fingers crossed.

May 31, 2010

Mars & Venus Update

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 6:00 pm by copingwithdepression

Well we’ve got through the last 2 days since my “meltdown”.  I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that it is up to me if I want to improve this relationship or not – there is no point in G trying & me being half-hearted about it, thinking all the time that it won’t work.  This will be very hard for me, but I am determined to do it.  I also know I can’t make any rash decisions while I’m in such a bad state of mind.  All I can do is take each day as it comes and see how things go.

The last 2 nights we have gone to bed at the same time and read a couple of chapters of Mars & Venus In L ove.  It makes a lot of sense in that it shows how we haven’t been communicating properly and have been antagonising each other.  Then we are living with all the frustration and built-up resentment.  For the 1st time in ages I’m beginning to see a “way out” – what things could be like between us.

I’ve also been doing a lot of listening to my Louise Hay audios – all about affirmations and how to change your thinking.  Today, for eg, we were both sitting working on our computers to get the website up and running and I had listened to 2+ hours of Louise Hay and nice relaxing music.  I was feeling quite calm and peaceful and then it just changed like that.  G made some comment, I took it the wrong way & immediately my whole mood changed.  Cue some more nasty comments on both sides & now I felt awful.  It was amazing how quickly it changed.  After 30 mins or so to cool down, he came to talk to me about it – I had a cry, I just felt once again like we’re never going to be able to be happy.  Either I annoy him or vice-versa and it starts a whole new argument.  I know it’s a generalisation but it just really got me down.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow as well.  I thought I would go today but forgot it was bank holiday.  So, I can feel myself getting panicky already when I think about going tomorrow.  I know it’s silly, but I get so nervous whenever I’ve to go to the doctors about something like this.  I just hate having to try and describe why I’m depressed to a new person.  But it needs to be done.  I’m not 100% keen on starting anti-depressants again, but I’ll talk to the doctor and see.  If the waiting list for psychotherapy is years long I will probably be better starting some sort of medication.  I’ll try and keep my mind off it tonight and hopefully will sleep OK.  Will keep you updated with how I get on.

May 26, 2010

So – The appointment itself!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 11:45 am by copingwithdepression

After seeing the state I was in G said he would drive me – if we missed the parcel collection then so be it.  He told me I was silly for not telling him earlier about it.   I was relieved but also a bit deflated  this was my chance to prove I could do it and I chickened out…

Well I told the counsellor all this, plus what had been stressing me out all week and causing more sleep deprived, worryful nights.  Basically I am stressing about money – we don’t have enough coming in now that G’s online business website has been “down” for the last 3 months.  He keeps saying he’ll get it fixed and updated but he never seems to get round to it. I’m tried of nagging him about it.  I keep saying to him to teach me how to do it (I’m not great with computers) and I’ll sit and work at it – it would give me something to focus on for a few hours a day.  But he says no I won’t know how to do it and it’ll frustrate him more trying to teach me.  So no website.  Which equals a big drop in income.  This is the first “job” he’s had since moving over with me.  For over a year we have always solely relied on my income.  I was never really comfortable with this – I felt a bit like he was using me and my parents certainly think that.  But then at the time we were going through a really rough patch when he had an affair of sorts with an old flame via god old Facebook and I was terrified of him going out to get a job in case he met someone else.  So, although he never pushed the idea that he wanted a job, I think I’m partly responsible for him not getting one.

So back to the present – I had just been stressing over the fact that he wasn’t spending any time trying to get the website sorted but could spend hours on the internet looking at all the things he wants to buy next.  Plus deisgning a bike kit for him and 3 mates which is costing over £200.  he doesn’t seem to realise that the money has to come from somewhere – it’s all want, want, want.  Plus if I say no or raise objections he goes in a real sulk for days saying I’m trying to control him.  I can’t live with that and the way he always makes me feel like it’s my fault makes me give in eventually.  This all came out at the appointment and the counsellor was shocked at how things have been going.  It was another of those “Oh God, is it really as bad as it sounds” moments.  She said I need to think hard about why he is with me – is it just to get an easy ride, knowing I’ll provide the money for him to spend…?

Oh the confusion. I really get the impression, although she doesn’t say it staight out, that she thinks our relationship is doomed.  That scares me so much.   I don’t want to have another train wreck of a relationship and for me to be left in tatters at the end of it.  But I really want things to change.

Once again, he knew something was up after my appt as I was acting all down etc…  I was just so confused.  How are you meant to carry on with a normal day when you are having all these doubts?  So I ended up telling him most of what was talked about – he said he was sorry for not doing much work on the website and he would try and  have it up and running by the end of the week.  He got quite defensive about the other stuff about him using me for my money – saying in his view it was “our” money as we are together.  He was being all nice and hugging me etc but I still didn’t feel 100% OK.  So a couple of hours later it started again – me bursting into tears saying how unhappy I am and things really need to change.  We always say this but it never happens but I am so serious this time.  I need to have some happiness in my life.  I want it so badly.  The thing is we have so many issues I don’t know how to start making things better.  Maybe our relationship is doomed – maybe we’re not right for each other (we seem like complete opposites most of the time) but I can’t give up without a fight.  I don’t know as well is it mainly due to my depression – if I was feeling better would our relaitonship magically improve too?  I need to work on both things.  I’m going to the library today to look for a relationship survival guide to give me some ideas.  It can’t hurt can it?

May 25, 2010

Panic Attack

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 1:25 pm by copingwithdepression

Oh my gosh, where do I start.  Appointment with the counsellor this morning – so far I haven’t been able to drive myself there as I haven’t felt confident enough.  I knew that we had to wait in the house today for a parcel to be collected so I knoew I would have to drive myself this time while G waited in the house.  I thought I’d be OK and I would manage it – but as soon as I was in bed, listening to my relaxation track – i t hit me.  My heart was pounding and no amount of deep breathing could calm it.  I barely heard any of the relaxation track, all I could feel was the panic rising up in me.  I tried listening to another track – no good.  I kept going over and over things in my head imaging getting lost or worse having an accident in the car etc.  There was no reasoning with me I was out of control.  I felt a real tightness high up in my chest and could hardly breathe.  Then I thought, OK I just won’t turn up to the appointment – then I felt so guilty at the thought of that.  After the week I’d had I knew I could really do with seeing her and the thought of not going made me panic even more – how on earth was I ever going to get better.  If I stopped going I knew it would be even harder for me to start again.

Gary then came to bed (his usual 2am time), I was wide awake and practically hyperventilating.  Of course he didn’t notice and went straight to sleep.  Of course I didn’t explain to him what was wrong I just took it that he didn’t care enough about me to notice.  So that made me worse – I moved into the spare bedroom and tried to calm myself down.  I had started thinking bad stuff about our relationship again, thinking what is the point?  I was getting pains in my chest I was getting so worked up.  So then I turned on the light and started reading my Overcoming Depression book – I don’t even know if I took any of it in, I just read and read to try and quieten my mind and tire myself out.  Eventually I put the light out and chanted over and over to  myself as I tried to get to sleep “I’ll handle it”.  It must have worked as I woke up at 6.30 by the cat wanting his breakfast. I felt rough.  I managed to doze for an hour or 2 after that.  As for the appointment itself… to be continued in the next post…