May 29, 2010

Complete meltdown

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , at 4:36 am by copingwithdepression

Well it’s 5.15am and I haven’t been able to sleep (well I slept about 3 hours from 11.30-2.30).  Yes, I had a complete meltdown yesterday & I’m still not quite sure what to make of it.

After our argument the day before G & I managed to avoid each other all morning.  We thought his brother was coming over to visit today but he phoned from the airport at 1.30 yesterday asking where we were!  G came up to tell me that we had to go & pick him up.  I said “Do you not think we need to talk” &  he said “No, you’re the one who needs to apologise” Grrr… So I refused to go with him to the airporrt.  Luckily his brother was meeting mates in town & went straight to them to give us a chance to tidy up the house a bit.

So G came back – he was being very accusing & not at all approachable & I had just been so confused for weeks so I told him I didn’t think I wanted to be with him.  He said “Fine, I’m away to book a flight home”.  I didn’t go downstairs after  him like I knew he expected me to, I don’t know if I wanted him to actually book it or not, I was just so scared & frozen.

I went downstairs for a glass of water as he came bursting through the door & proceeded to make himself lunch.  I asked if he’s booked a flight, he said yes in July.  JULY?!  He was just being so calm about it, I said how do you expect me to live here with you until July if we’ve broken up?  He said he didn’t care he has friends & family due over to visit in the next few weeks & he’s not going to let them down.  I told him what apart from the fact it is actually MY house, you don’t own any part of it, and he still refused to leave, saying it’s not his problem I can move out if I don’t like it.  This is just a complete example of how stubborn & unreasonable  he can be… I just completely lost it and threw the glass of water over him (not the glass, just the water!) & he went mad saying if I dared touch him he would phone the police & have me taken to court.

I felt I had no choice so I came in to the computer and started to book a flight back home.  When he saw what I was doing he started trying to change my mind.  I was just completely honest with him, said I was so confused I didn’t know what my feelings were for him I just needed out – as I didn’t know how to fix things by myself & he wasn’t willing to take any responsibility.  Well I just sat and cried & cried as he talked me into staying (as I knew deep down he would).  He said I need to look for a new counsellor as the one I’m seeing doesn’t seem to be helping (what does he expect after 3 sessions? Miracles?).. I said I will go to the doctor on Monday & ask her advice, maybe get some anti-depressants.

I just don’t know, I don’t even feel relieved or glad that we’re still together.  I feel trapped.  I feel like he has manipulated me all over again into staying.  I’m not strong enough to leave him anyway who was I kidding?

Or am I being too negative?  Maybe I should just relax & give it a go?

Well his brother is here now, so that’ll be fun later on – trying to pretend everything is normal & we’re so in love.  I just don’t feel anything anymore.  Not just for him – I seriously think there is something wrong with my emotions, I can cry but I can’t feel any love or joy or happiness towards anyone (except my cats).

I also have to see my mum later on for half an hour or so before she goes on holiday which is stressful – but that is a story for another day.  I’m away to do some facebooking, see if I can tire myself out.

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May 28, 2010

Disaster Strikes

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , , at 9:40 am by copingwithdepression

Well, I spent another night in the spare room.  Let me explain what happened.

We had a row yesterday morning with G saying I give one of my cats more affection than him (yes he can be very childish!) and I just thought what is the point of trying to make this work if I have to deal with silly arguments like this all the time.  It would have been easy to put my arms around him & say “No, of course I love you more than the cat!” but I just couldn’t do it – I don’t know I just feel like I have so much anger & resentment built up towards him at the minute.  So, he actually came to me at lunch time & told me to stop being in a mood, to give him a hug & make things better.  So I did.  I also hate the way no matter if he starts the argument it’s always MY fault because I get more affected by it.  Anyway…

Yesterday afternoon was tough.  After we’d had the discussion about him going to start work on the website, he sat at the computer & did nothing (well, apart from internet browsing and facebook).  I got upset & went upstairs to read my book just beacuse I couldn’t face having to nag him again.  So I spent all afternoon in bed dozing/reading feeling worse & worse.

We went into the kitchen to make dinner & I just got so overwhelmed with everything I started crying… I always feel like he’s accusing me when he says “What’s wrong with you now” but he wasn’t too bad this time, he just hugged me.  I said to him over dinner why he hadn’t been doing the website after he promised he would.  He said he didn’t know but we would both get stuck into it after dinner.

So we did – he did more updating & I went over what he already did, fixing the fonts & checking things.  That was OK until it started raining, the conversation went as follows:

ME: “Oh, is that rain?”

G: “What? Yea, why?”

ME: “Because the washing’s out it’ll get wet” – getting up to run outside

G: “Do you need any help?” – not really interested

ME: “No, well I don’t NEED any help” – runnig out the door

G: “For F***’s sake, Dickhead” – yes you heard right

I couldn’t believe he had called me that (although it hasn’t been the first time).  He always gets on like this with his mum and I think it’s ridiculous, he just gets so angry he lashes out but it’s way unfair and disrespectful.  So I was angry, I came back in and said “Don’t you dare call me names like that, do you not see that the way you’re behaving isn’t helping me..”  THEN he started “Oh it’s all about you isn’t it, well what about me, I’m left here to put up with all your shit and all you care about is yourself…”  Me (raging) “Well what have you done to try & make things better, you don’t seem to realise that you need to change yourself to, I am so close to leaving you because things just never get any better”.. etc etc

Ended up with me walking out of the room at this stage to hear the word “Dick” being called after me.  I feel so so angry and hurt.  How can you treat someone you “care” about like that?  Raging.  I stayed upstairs all night, had a bath to try and calm me down (didn’t work) and read until I was so tired to go to sleep.

I have no idea what is going to happen today.  He is still up in bed.  I’m scared of what is going to be said.  I really am.  Help.  How can I make him understand that I need him to change too, the way he acts is part of the problem.  Yes I know I am mainly to blame – eg I could have just said Yes, I need you to help with bringing in the washing.  But I had to go & make a sarcastic remark.  We both need help.  I just don’t think he’s willing to listen, he thinks he’s fine as he is.