July 5, 2010

That was quick!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 9:42 am by copingwithdepression

That’s what I said to the doctor when I was called 3 mins after my appointment time – there’s a first time for everything!  So I was actually feeling quite calm when I went in as I didn’t have the dreaded 30 min wait before hand.  I started to tell her how I thought I had been coping a bit better etc and was more aware of my moods… and for seemingly no reason at all I started crying and shanking uncontrollably.  Honestly, I just seem to cry at anything.

I also told her about my self-harming (which she said wasn’t actually self-harming).  I didn’t mention anything about the BPD diagnosis just told her some of the symptoms but she didn’t seem that worried.  She just said that is something I need to bring up with the CBT therapist when I see them.  As for the self-harming she said I am not actually trying to kill myself when I cut myself so it’s related to self-harm but actually isn’t…. Oh, Ok then.  It’s completely normal?

She also wanted me to increase my Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg a day as she thinks I should be feeling more of an effect from them by now.  I wasn’t too keen on that as I didn’t want it either to activate me too much or make me really dopey.  So we settled on increasing it to 30mg for the next month.

I said to her I still hadn’t heard about the CBT computer programme she was referring me for.  It turned out that she hadn’t completed the referral as she thought that the counselling itself would be more appropriate for me.  I said to her that I really wanted something to start work on before my appointments copme through, and that I had been looking forward to it.  So she said she will refer me after all.  Fingers crossed she actually does it this time!  She said I should hear from them soon.

So that is the up to date happenings at the doctor.  Lots more has been going on but don’t have time now to write it all!  Hopefully will get time later in the week.

July 1, 2010


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 7:41 am by copingwithdepression

Livi did this last month for June and I loved the idea but as usual never got round to actually doing it.  So here are my goals for July.  Hopefully writing them down will make them easier to keep!

  1. Go to the big scary gym at least twice this month.  I was going to say three times but I KNOW that’s way too much for me to cope with.  I have been paying a monthly membership for the last 6 months or so and haven’t used it so I need to get back into going.  I need to get more confidence!
  2. Do some form of aerobic exercise at least every other day.  Since I’ve started feeling less anxious etc I can actually eat again!  And it’s starting to show!
  3. Make more of an effort with my appearance.
  4. Try to stop self-harming as much.  It’s not going to stop completely overnight but I want to try and reduce it.
  5. Listen to my relaxation CD’s the doctor gave me every day – I’ve been really lax with this and have only managed once a week for the first two.  It seems my preferred method of relaxation is to cut myself.  Must change this.
  6. A general one – but just try to be more positive and aware of my moods.

June 30, 2010

Peace At Last…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 9:50 am by copingwithdepression

…G is away all day mountain biking in Wales with his mates who flew over from Belfast this morning especially for the occasion.  So after a 7am wake up call (about 2 hours earlier than normal for me), trying to get the roof bars fitted to the new car & get his bike attached on the new cycle carrier that we hadn’t quite figured out how to use, making enough sandwiches for 4 hungry guys etc etc.. he is finally away!  Phew.

It is sooo lovely to have the house to myself.  We are never (and I mean never) really apart and I’m someone who really needs my own space at times.  Now there is an excuse for me as I’m a nervous wreck and can barely go out the front door by myself.  But G!  Well he won’t go anywhere by himself either, he always drags me along.  And we both work from home so we are together basically 24/7.  No wonder we fight a lot.

I haven’t posted in a few days cos we have been so busy with one thing or another.  Plus as our computers are side by side in our home office I can’t blog without him seeing (he still doesn’t know I write this blog!).  He sees me reading and commenting on other blogs sometimes and always scoffs at me “Oh, is this your new favourite hobby”.  Well yes, it is so there!  And I can do it all day today if I want cos I’m home alone (apart from my 3 crazy cats)!

I also have to clean and tidy the house for the guys coming back this evening.  They’re flying back tonight which is good but they’ll still be here for a bit.  And I want to make some of Nigella’s chocolate brownies yum… never made them before but got her recipe book out of the library and can’t wait to try them!  There might be none left by later lol…  And maybe fit in some sunbathing outside.  Oh, and maybe a wee nap in case I start to feel a bit sleepy….!

It’s FABULOUS I can do what ever I want today!  Freedom :)

On another note I have to go to the doctors again tomorrow to get another month’s supply of my Citalopram and to update her on how I have been feeling.  I THINK I’m starting to feel a little better.  As I mentioned in a previous post I quite often feel “on the edge” like I’m ready just to tip into a depressive episode.  But I figure, maybe that is a good thing as before I just would have been head first into it – but now I feel I can control it a bit more… If that makes sense?  So I think I’m getting there.  I just can’t wait for my CBT counselling to come through, should be another couple of months though.

I’m still undecided whether I should tell the doctor about my self-harming and the extent of my “impulsive behaviours” and the possible BPD diagnosis I have given myself lol.  I don’t want to seem like a real know it all.  Will it really change anything if I tell her, what else is she going to do?  I’m already on anti depressants and have been referred for counselling.  But then again, I think I need to be honest with her about everything.  I think I’m ashamed of it all you see, I don’t want anyone else to know.  It’s scary.  So it will be another anxious wait in the doctors tomorrow morning!

This has been a long post (if you’re still reading well done) but as I said I have the luxury of relaxing and typing away today – usually I rush to get something typed out while G is in the shower or still in bed!  I’ve nearly been caught a couple of times, but always managed to flick onto a different screen.  God help me if he ever finds out I’ve been writing about him (sometimes in not a very complimentary light!).  Well I’m off to do some more blog reading.  It’s my new favourite  hobby you know!  Oh, and then make my chocolate brownies.. Mmmm… Bye for now!