July 30, 2010

Frickin NHS….

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 3:00 pm by copingwithdepression

.. So I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. It ws a month since I was last there so naturally (for me) I was feeling nervous & anxious. I usually have to wait for my appointment but this time I waited just over an hour – madness!

The appointment itself was fine, I didn’t bring up any of the stuff about me thinking I may have BPD rather than simple depression – but I knew I wouldn’t, I’m such a chicken. I am to stay on my current dose of Citalopram (30mg) for another 2 weeks, then she is thinking of increasing it again to 40mg. Yikes. Don’t know how I feel about taking so much, but I’m still having really low days where I feel I can’t cope at all.

The doctor was meant to refer me to start a computer based CBT programme while I am waiting for my counselling sessions to come through. I hadn’t heard anything about the computer course yet so I asked her – it turns out that the PCT have withdrawn it from their services! Great!

She then asked had I heard anything about the counselling. I said No. Apparently I should have received a letter after a bout a month asking if I definitely wanted to opt into the counselling. No such letter was received. So it looks like there has been a cock-up there as well. My referral obviously hasn’t gone through properly so after waiting 2 months, I’ll have to go back to the original 3-4 month wait. I need this counselling!!

Things are still not great between G & I. It seems  like all we do is wipe up after the puppy, we don’t have any time for each other. The other day he got annoyed at me saying how I had been on anti-depressants for 2 months and I don’t seem to be getting any better. He said I’m getting worse. I don’t think I’m getting worse. Compared to where I was I feel a lot better. It’s just all the stress with the puppy etc, I really find it hard to cope.

Ah well, onwards and upwards. My new blog Nic’s Notebook is keeping me occupied so that’s a good thing I guess.

July 10, 2010

Stress…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 7:41 am by copingwithdepression

…and lack of sleep is really not good for me!  I haven’t had time to write in ages but the thing that’s really causing me problems at the minute is the fact I’ve to go to my uncle’s funeral on Monday.  Shouldn’t be a big deal, right?  But it’s kind of an awkward situation – my mum hasn’t spoken to her sister & all her family for about 8 years over a stupid reason.  And even though I wasn’t involved in it, I haven’t spoken to them either – I feel that they automatically think I took my mum’s views since I lived with her.  So now the sister’s husband has died of cancer (very quickly) and my mum is being really selfish and refusing to go to the funeral.  But of course she expects me to go.  My 2 brother’s are going and my dad as well but I’m just terrified that I’ll get the cold shoulder treatment because of my mum’s behaviour.  My 2 brothers have always had a better relationship with them because they are older and lived in England also whereas me and my mum were back home in N.Ireland.

The thought of a big family gathering terrifies me!  I hate all the looks and all the questions about why I left my “good sensible” job as a pharmacist to “doss around” working from home.  I hate feeling guilty for my actions.  I suppose this comes back to me wanting to please everyone all the time and to always have everyone’s approval.

But G is driving down to London on Monday (a 4 hour journey yikes!) and I am going to go and put a brave face on.  I suppose it is selfish of me to assume that everyone is going to be worried about me!  They’re all going to be grieving and thinking of more important things I guess.

It is better in a way  that my mum isn’t going because I know she would expect me to stand with her at all t imes to protect her while she get’s drunker and drunker – and I really couldn’t handle that.  I’m not looking forward to the drinking bit after the funeral, it really makes me uncomfortable and I feel really left out as I don’t really drink at all.  But it’s a good thing that we’ll have a long drive home so we can leave early!

I have to go and buy some black trousers today as I don’t own any!