July 20, 2010

I think I’m going to scream

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 12:05 pm by copingwithdepression

I just feel so alone. G and I have not been getting on at all since the puppy arrived, we are both so stressed out with the changes but we’re not coming together and working as a team. It’s like we’re fighting against each other. I don’t know how much more I can take it. Either I’m nagging him for doing something that the “book doesn’t say” with the puppy or vice-versa. He has now just stormed off and left me with the puppy. I want to run away, to escape but I can’t do that with a puppy in tow.

July 18, 2010

Having a bit of a wobble today…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 12:45 pm by copingwithdepression

Phew… deep breath.  Well it has been documented on my new blog Nic’s Notebook that we have got a puppy.  In truth it was G who wanted the puppy the most.  He went on and on about it until I finally caved in, and then it all happened so fast I didn’t know what was happening!  Well we’ve had him for a couple of days now and yes, he is so cute and gorgeous.  He is also such a pain in the butt! I broke down in tears earlier I just felt so useless that I couldn’t cope with him.

I have just been getting so stressed out when he pees all over the place, and refuses to come outside.  And when he yelps whenever he is left alone for 2 seconds (never mind at night times). I honestly didn’t think it would be this hard.  All the books we read were saying “There sould be no reason for your puppy to go to the toilet inside if you are taking him out every hour” etc… well we try but it’s not as simple as that!  We would need to take him outside every flippin 15 minutes.  And quite often, he won’t go outside, but as soon as you come in he will go all over the floor.

Another deep breath….  I’m not a very stable person at the best of times and this really isn’t helping!  I feel so guilty because I want to be a good mummy to wee Chester but he just stresses me out so much.  And G and I are fighting lots about it.  He doesn’t see why I can’t just chill out.

I’m a creature of habit and it’s just such an upheaval for our daily lives.  You literally need to keep an eye on him every second.  When he’s outside he’s trying to bite off all our plants and eat stones and swallow clothes pegs and chew dirt etc etc.. It’s exhausting!  The house is a mess, and stinks of doggy pee!  God help me if I ever have a baby – I really don’t think I could cope.

I’m going to try and not let it all get on top of me and I need to start taking some time-outs and going upstairs to relax with my gorgeous well-behaved, pee free cats!

If you read my other blog no doubt all my posts about Chester will imply that we having a glorious, carefree, happy time with him, but you will know the truth….

June 21, 2010

Up & down

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , at 10:57 am by copingwithdepression

Well the last couple of days I’ve really been struggling with my moods – after me worrying that I was wasting the doctors time last week as I was feeling relatively sane.  G & I have been having more niggly fights which always sends me into a black mood & activates all my negative thinking about the relationship.  I’ve been quite stressed out as I’ve been having to do a lot of phoning people trying to get our old car sold & a new one organised.  I hate having to phone people at the best of times, it just makes me so anxious.

I’ve been reading a lot of mental health blogs recently & I was coming across a lot of terms I had never heard of.  One was BPD Borderline Personality Disorder, so I Googled it to see what it involved.  I was shocked to find out that a lot of it sounded very familiar & I am starting to worry now that it might be applicable to me…  But what do I do about it?  I can hardly walk into the doctors & tell her I think I have diagnosed myself!  You see, there are a lot of things such as self harm & impulsive behaviour that I have never told anyone before.  And I’m scared to.  If you admit to bad things that you have done in the past can you still get in trouble for them now??   I just don’t know what to do.

I really feel that I am on a downward spiral again & I’m not sure I can control it.  Plus I have to  phone my mum later – maximum stress!  The last time I saw her I was in tears so I know she’s just going to push me into talking about how things are going which I find really hard to do without breaking down…  Fingers crossed.

June 16, 2010

The Witch Is Away…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 11:16 am by copingwithdepression

The Witch is our (semi) affectionate name for G’s mum.  Phew, I must say I am relieved that she is away.  Her visit wasn’t too bad (certainly not as bad as last year!).  For a start she is recovering from a broken foot so she wasn’t following me about interfering (sorry helping) in the kitchen too much.  It took me a day or 2 to feel comfortable with her, especially because my moods have been so low recently but she just natters away so it’s easy for me to sit & listen & look interested.  I actually found I was feeling a bit better in myself when she was here.  For some reason I am able to chat to her more easily than any member of my own family, especially my mum who I have real problems with.  Yes, I was putting on an act trying to pretend everything was normal between me & G but it felt quite good – I almost felt quite content at times.

I did find myself getting a bit stressed sometimes, especially thinking “Oh God, that’s only 1 day down, we have 5 more to go!” but I just tried to relax & take 1 day at a time.  It seemed to work OK.  Now she’s gone though I can feel myself getting into my old down depressed habits which I really am trying not to do.  I slept so well when she was here probably because I was so exhausted & I MADE myself get up early in the morning etc.. but last night I was lying awake again worrying at 4am & couldn’t get back to sleep for ages.  I have my doctors appointment tomorrow to see how I’ve been getting on with my tablets after 2 weeks which I think is worrying me.  I just find it really hard to express how I’m feeling to people – almost as if I’m scared they’ll think I’m a fake.  It’s not like having a broken arm or leg – with depression nobody can see anything wrong with you.  I’m just going to try & keep busy today & will hopefully sleep OK tonight.