August 12, 2010

Will I Ever Feel Better..?

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , at 1:53 pm by copingwithdepression

Saw the doctor this morning. Told her how I had been feeling over the last wk or so – staying in bed a couple of days, feeling useless, feeling like I wanted to end things etc… and she said she doesn’t really think I’m responding to the Citalopram. I’ve been taking 30mg for the last few weeks. She said I could either increase it to 40mg daily or change to a different anti depressant, Mirtazapine.

Now, that scares me. How can I not be getting any real effect from the Citalopram by now? Maybe it supports my original thoughts that I need to sort out my head and my negative thinking rather than take any drug. It also scares me that she is thinking of changing me to Mirtazapine. When I used to work as a pharmacist, Mirtazapine (Zispin) was always considered as a real “hard-core” drug for the complete looney bins. Honestly, I may be being really sterotypical here but 99.9% of the people who came in with scipts for it looked like real down and outs, absolutely horrendous!

It scares me that I might be like that myself now. I told the doctor this and she kind of laughed a bit. She said a few years ago when the Mirtazapine was quite new it would only have been prescribed by psychiatrists for the really bad patients to try it out. However now, it is quite widely used. She also says it can make you very tired and feel very hungry. The last things I need!

She also did another depression test thing, and I had only reduced 2 points on the scale from the first time I went to see her. She said I’m still very teary and quite unstable. Yep – agreed!

So, I’ve to try the 40mg for the next 3 weeks until she gets back from hol – and then review things.

I also asked her about the letter I had received for the assessment at the mental health clinic. She said I will be seeing a psychologist first who will assess me fully for about an hour, and then they will recommend what sort of therapy I need. It isn’t instant though. Once I see the psychologist I have to then go on another waiting list for whatever therapy is recommended… Phew… It’s hard work trying to get better via the NHS. Wish I could afford to go to a really good CBT counsellor myself – I might be a lot further down the road than I am now. Ah well… gotta keep fighting on.

August 11, 2010

Quick Update..

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 4:35 pm by copingwithdepression

… I’ve been feeling really really low again since last week. In fact I think last week was the worst I have been feeling in a while. I had to spend most of last Wed & Thurs in bed as I literally couldn’t face the world. I am a teensy bit better this week, although my Dad arrived yesterday and upset the apple cart somewhat. It’s crazy that I can’t tell him how I feel and how much he has upset me (I’m not that close to my Dad), but I need to. Everytime I think about having to speak to him about it I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

Doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I think she’ll want to increase my Citalopram dose again. I think I need it, as recently I aint been coping at all.

Plus I got a letter this morning (finally) from the mental health team. I phoned to make an appointment, they said they will send me one out, it should be mid-Sept. So not TOO long to wait then. It said on the letter that the appointment is for an assessment to ensure I get the correct service. I’m not sure what this means. I thought I was being referred straight for CBT counselling. Does this mean I have to see a psychiatrist? If anyone has had a letter like this and knows what it involves please let me know! I’m worried that they’ll assess me & I’ll end up not getting the counselling or something….

July 30, 2010

Frickin NHS….

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 3:00 pm by copingwithdepression

.. So I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. It ws a month since I was last there so naturally (for me) I was feeling nervous & anxious. I usually have to wait for my appointment but this time I waited just over an hour – madness!

The appointment itself was fine, I didn’t bring up any of the stuff about me thinking I may have BPD rather than simple depression – but I knew I wouldn’t, I’m such a chicken. I am to stay on my current dose of Citalopram (30mg) for another 2 weeks, then she is thinking of increasing it again to 40mg. Yikes. Don’t know how I feel about taking so much, but I’m still having really low days where I feel I can’t cope at all.

The doctor was meant to refer me to start a computer based CBT programme while I am waiting for my counselling sessions to come through. I hadn’t heard anything about the computer course yet so I asked her – it turns out that the PCT have withdrawn it from their services! Great!

She then asked had I heard anything about the counselling. I said No. Apparently I should have received a letter after a bout a month asking if I definitely wanted to opt into the counselling. No such letter was received. So it looks like there has been a cock-up there as well. My referral obviously hasn’t gone through properly so after waiting 2 months, I’ll have to go back to the original 3-4 month wait. I need this counselling!!

Things are still not great between G & I. It seems  like all we do is wipe up after the puppy, we don’t have any time for each other. The other day he got annoyed at me saying how I had been on anti-depressants for 2 months and I don’t seem to be getting any better. He said I’m getting worse. I don’t think I’m getting worse. Compared to where I was I feel a lot better. It’s just all the stress with the puppy etc, I really find it hard to cope.

Ah well, onwards and upwards. My new blog Nic’s Notebook is keeping me occupied so that’s a good thing I guess.

July 20, 2010

I think I’m going to scream

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 12:05 pm by copingwithdepression

I just feel so alone. G and I have not been getting on at all since the puppy arrived, we are both so stressed out with the changes but we’re not coming together and working as a team. It’s like we’re fighting against each other. I don’t know how much more I can take it. Either I’m nagging him for doing something that the “book doesn’t say” with the puppy or vice-versa. He has now just stormed off and left me with the puppy. I want to run away, to escape but I can’t do that with a puppy in tow.

July 18, 2010

Having a bit of a wobble today…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 12:45 pm by copingwithdepression

Phew… deep breath.  Well it has been documented on my new blog Nic’s Notebook that we have got a puppy.  In truth it was G who wanted the puppy the most.  He went on and on about it until I finally caved in, and then it all happened so fast I didn’t know what was happening!  Well we’ve had him for a couple of days now and yes, he is so cute and gorgeous.  He is also such a pain in the butt! I broke down in tears earlier I just felt so useless that I couldn’t cope with him.

I have just been getting so stressed out when he pees all over the place, and refuses to come outside.  And when he yelps whenever he is left alone for 2 seconds (never mind at night times). I honestly didn’t think it would be this hard.  All the books we read were saying “There sould be no reason for your puppy to go to the toilet inside if you are taking him out every hour” etc… well we try but it’s not as simple as that!  We would need to take him outside every flippin 15 minutes.  And quite often, he won’t go outside, but as soon as you come in he will go all over the floor.

Another deep breath….  I’m not a very stable person at the best of times and this really isn’t helping!  I feel so guilty because I want to be a good mummy to wee Chester but he just stresses me out so much.  And G and I are fighting lots about it.  He doesn’t see why I can’t just chill out.

I’m a creature of habit and it’s just such an upheaval for our daily lives.  You literally need to keep an eye on him every second.  When he’s outside he’s trying to bite off all our plants and eat stones and swallow clothes pegs and chew dirt etc etc.. It’s exhausting!  The house is a mess, and stinks of doggy pee!  God help me if I ever have a baby – I really don’t think I could cope.

I’m going to try and not let it all get on top of me and I need to start taking some time-outs and going upstairs to relax with my gorgeous well-behaved, pee free cats!

If you read my other blog no doubt all my posts about Chester will imply that we having a glorious, carefree, happy time with him, but you will know the truth….

July 15, 2010

My new blog

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 3:33 pm by copingwithdepression

I have just started a new blog – Nic’s Notebook.  I wanted somewhere where I could post things about my day-to-day life and about my darling pets without being all depressive!  I hope it will give me a bit of a boost to become more positive and to appreciate the good things in my life.  I am still keeping this blog for all my moany posts lol…  The only thing is my partner G, doesn’t know about this blog, but he knows about the new one so if you are commenting on Nic’s Notebook please don’t mention anything about this blog in case he starts to wonder…!

Please come over and have a read & leave me a comment- it will take me a couple more days to get it looking just as I want it (learning as I go!) but my 1st post is up yay!  You will find it at

Difficult situation

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , at 11:15 am by copingwithdepression

For a bit of history for anyone who isn’t aware of my family situation:

– My mum & dad have been seperated for about 17 years, although he would often go to stay with her in the house.  And they go away to their house in Turkey 4 times a year on holiday.  It’s a strange relationship, I have always thought that my mum just uses my dad when she wants him i.e. to go away on holiday.

– My mum is an alcoholic and her drinking has got her into serious problems with the police for shoplifting and drink driving etc…  I don’t know exactly how bad she is at the minute as I left home a year and a half ago.  But it was very bad when I was there and I can only imagine it has got worse.  I hate speaking to her on the phone as I’m always scared she is going to be plastered… I’ve learnt not to phone her after 4pm as she’s always drunk by then.

So, my dad has been over in England for a few weeks living between my house and my 2 brother’s houses.  Not an ideal situation as you can imagine but that’s a post for another day!  He decided he was going to go and visit my mum and booked a flight for today.  My house phone rang at 10.30pm last night and I just knew it would be my mum.  She was absolutely as drunk as a skunk, she could hardly speak she was slurring her words so much.  Basically she was saying that she didn’t want my dad to come over, she was too stressed out when he was there and she had to be put on even more diazepam and higher antidepressant dose after he left the last time.  And of course she didn’t want to speak to him but told me to tell him he was not to come over.  Talk about an awkward situation!

I had to go in and tell my dad what she had said.  Of course he was not happy, I thought he was going to cry or something. He was saying “What have I done to her now…?”.  I really feel sorry for him in a way.  Even though they are sepearated I think he still sees himself very much as her husband.  He likes to go over and stay there, and he likes to take her away for holidays even though it’s obvious to anyone else she is using him.

I was really uspset as well at the state my mum was in on the phone.  It was just the fact she was expecting me to do her dirty work as well.

Well it didn’t work, as this morning my dad headed off to the airport anyway.  He’s crazy for going.  I’m scared now my mum is going to go mad and completely go off the rails.  Plus she will blame me for not keeping him here.  I feel like I have let her down but it isn’t really my responsibilty to get involved in their arguments is it?

July 14, 2010


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 9:03 am by copingwithdepression

Well all went OK at the funeral.  I was shattered after getting up at 6am then a 4 hour car journey to London.  As soon as we were there I got really panicky and shaky but met all the family OK.  When it came to meeting my auntie (the widow) and her kids I just completely froze – I wanted to say how sorry I was etc.. but I could only hug them, no words would come out.  I felt a bit bad about that as I could sense they were expecting me to say something!

The funeral itself was emotional.  Afterwards everyone went to a local bar where they had hired a room.  It was a bit awkward at times with the family – I got the usual questions about what I was working at now etc…  no-one said anything about me leaving my “good job” but I got the feeling they knew and were viewing me differently because of it, if that makes sense?

I was glad G was there with me, he made it a lot easier.  I’m a quiet person anyway but in this sort of situation I tend to get even quieter!  G chatted away and included me in the conversations.

My auntie got really really drunk after the funeral (understandable I know as she was so upset) but when I went to say goodbye to her at about 8pm it really scared me the state she was in.  She could barely even open her eyes, it just really reminded me of the states I used to find my mum in.  It was scary.

But at around midnight we arrived home safely, absolutely shattered!  All in all it wasn’t as bad as I had feared, I just wish I wasn’t so socially awkward.

July 10, 2010


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 7:41 am by copingwithdepression

…and lack of sleep is really not good for me!  I haven’t had time to write in ages but the thing that’s really causing me problems at the minute is the fact I’ve to go to my uncle’s funeral on Monday.  Shouldn’t be a big deal, right?  But it’s kind of an awkward situation – my mum hasn’t spoken to her sister & all her family for about 8 years over a stupid reason.  And even though I wasn’t involved in it, I haven’t spoken to them either – I feel that they automatically think I took my mum’s views since I lived with her.  So now the sister’s husband has died of cancer (very quickly) and my mum is being really selfish and refusing to go to the funeral.  But of course she expects me to go.  My 2 brother’s are going and my dad as well but I’m just terrified that I’ll get the cold shoulder treatment because of my mum’s behaviour.  My 2 brothers have always had a better relationship with them because they are older and lived in England also whereas me and my mum were back home in N.Ireland.

The thought of a big family gathering terrifies me!  I hate all the looks and all the questions about why I left my “good sensible” job as a pharmacist to “doss around” working from home.  I hate feeling guilty for my actions.  I suppose this comes back to me wanting to please everyone all the time and to always have everyone’s approval.

But G is driving down to London on Monday (a 4 hour journey yikes!) and I am going to go and put a brave face on.  I suppose it is selfish of me to assume that everyone is going to be worried about me!  They’re all going to be grieving and thinking of more important things I guess.

It is better in a way  that my mum isn’t going because I know she would expect me to stand with her at all t imes to protect her while she get’s drunker and drunker – and I really couldn’t handle that.  I’m not looking forward to the drinking bit after the funeral, it really makes me uncomfortable and I feel really left out as I don’t really drink at all.  But it’s a good thing that we’ll have a long drive home so we can leave early!

I have to go and buy some black trousers today as I don’t own any!

July 5, 2010

That was quick!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 9:42 am by copingwithdepression

That’s what I said to the doctor when I was called 3 mins after my appointment time – there’s a first time for everything!  So I was actually feeling quite calm when I went in as I didn’t have the dreaded 30 min wait before hand.  I started to tell her how I thought I had been coping a bit better etc and was more aware of my moods… and for seemingly no reason at all I started crying and shanking uncontrollably.  Honestly, I just seem to cry at anything.

I also told her about my self-harming (which she said wasn’t actually self-harming).  I didn’t mention anything about the BPD diagnosis just told her some of the symptoms but she didn’t seem that worried.  She just said that is something I need to bring up with the CBT therapist when I see them.  As for the self-harming she said I am not actually trying to kill myself when I cut myself so it’s related to self-harm but actually isn’t…. Oh, Ok then.  It’s completely normal?

She also wanted me to increase my Citalopram from 20mg to 40mg a day as she thinks I should be feeling more of an effect from them by now.  I wasn’t too keen on that as I didn’t want it either to activate me too much or make me really dopey.  So we settled on increasing it to 30mg for the next month.

I said to her I still hadn’t heard about the CBT computer programme she was referring me for.  It turned out that she hadn’t completed the referral as she thought that the counselling itself would be more appropriate for me.  I said to her that I really wanted something to start work on before my appointments copme through, and that I had been looking forward to it.  So she said she will refer me after all.  Fingers crossed she actually does it this time!  She said I should hear from them soon.

So that is the up to date happenings at the doctor.  Lots more has been going on but don’t have time now to write it all!  Hopefully will get time later in the week.

July 1, 2010


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 7:41 am by copingwithdepression

Livi did this last month for June and I loved the idea but as usual never got round to actually doing it.  So here are my goals for July.  Hopefully writing them down will make them easier to keep!

  1. Go to the big scary gym at least twice this month.  I was going to say three times but I KNOW that’s way too much for me to cope with.  I have been paying a monthly membership for the last 6 months or so and haven’t used it so I need to get back into going.  I need to get more confidence!
  2. Do some form of aerobic exercise at least every other day.  Since I’ve started feeling less anxious etc I can actually eat again!  And it’s starting to show!
  3. Make more of an effort with my appearance.
  4. Try to stop self-harming as much.  It’s not going to stop completely overnight but I want to try and reduce it.
  5. Listen to my relaxation CD’s the doctor gave me every day – I’ve been really lax with this and have only managed once a week for the first two.  It seems my preferred method of relaxation is to cut myself.  Must change this.
  6. A general one – but just try to be more positive and aware of my moods.

June 30, 2010

Peace At Last…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , at 9:50 am by copingwithdepression

…G is away all day mountain biking in Wales with his mates who flew over from Belfast this morning especially for the occasion.  So after a 7am wake up call (about 2 hours earlier than normal for me), trying to get the roof bars fitted to the new car & get his bike attached on the new cycle carrier that we hadn’t quite figured out how to use, making enough sandwiches for 4 hungry guys etc etc.. he is finally away!  Phew.

It is sooo lovely to have the house to myself.  We are never (and I mean never) really apart and I’m someone who really needs my own space at times.  Now there is an excuse for me as I’m a nervous wreck and can barely go out the front door by myself.  But G!  Well he won’t go anywhere by himself either, he always drags me along.  And we both work from home so we are together basically 24/7.  No wonder we fight a lot.

I haven’t posted in a few days cos we have been so busy with one thing or another.  Plus as our computers are side by side in our home office I can’t blog without him seeing (he still doesn’t know I write this blog!).  He sees me reading and commenting on other blogs sometimes and always scoffs at me “Oh, is this your new favourite hobby”.  Well yes, it is so there!  And I can do it all day today if I want cos I’m home alone (apart from my 3 crazy cats)!

I also have to clean and tidy the house for the guys coming back this evening.  They’re flying back tonight which is good but they’ll still be here for a bit.  And I want to make some of Nigella’s chocolate brownies yum… never made them before but got her recipe book out of the library and can’t wait to try them!  There might be none left by later lol…  And maybe fit in some sunbathing outside.  Oh, and maybe a wee nap in case I start to feel a bit sleepy….!

It’s FABULOUS I can do what ever I want today!  Freedom :)

On another note I have to go to the doctors again tomorrow to get another month’s supply of my Citalopram and to update her on how I have been feeling.  I THINK I’m starting to feel a little better.  As I mentioned in a previous post I quite often feel “on the edge” like I’m ready just to tip into a depressive episode.  But I figure, maybe that is a good thing as before I just would have been head first into it – but now I feel I can control it a bit more… If that makes sense?  So I think I’m getting there.  I just can’t wait for my CBT counselling to come through, should be another couple of months though.

I’m still undecided whether I should tell the doctor about my self-harming and the extent of my “impulsive behaviours” and the possible BPD diagnosis I have given myself lol.  I don’t want to seem like a real know it all.  Will it really change anything if I tell her, what else is she going to do?  I’m already on anti depressants and have been referred for counselling.  But then again, I think I need to be honest with her about everything.  I think I’m ashamed of it all you see, I don’t want anyone else to know.  It’s scary.  So it will be another anxious wait in the doctors tomorrow morning!

This has been a long post (if you’re still reading well done) but as I said I have the luxury of relaxing and typing away today – usually I rush to get something typed out while G is in the shower or still in bed!  I’ve nearly been caught a couple of times, but always managed to flick onto a different screen.  God help me if he ever finds out I’ve been writing about him (sometimes in not a very complimentary light!).  Well I’m off to do some more blog reading.  It’s my new favourite  hobby you know!  Oh, and then make my chocolate brownies.. Mmmm… Bye for now!

June 21, 2010

Up & down

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , , , , , at 10:57 am by copingwithdepression

Well the last couple of days I’ve really been struggling with my moods – after me worrying that I was wasting the doctors time last week as I was feeling relatively sane.  G & I have been having more niggly fights which always sends me into a black mood & activates all my negative thinking about the relationship.  I’ve been quite stressed out as I’ve been having to do a lot of phoning people trying to get our old car sold & a new one organised.  I hate having to phone people at the best of times, it just makes me so anxious.

I’ve been reading a lot of mental health blogs recently & I was coming across a lot of terms I had never heard of.  One was BPD Borderline Personality Disorder, so I Googled it to see what it involved.  I was shocked to find out that a lot of it sounded very familiar & I am starting to worry now that it might be applicable to me…  But what do I do about it?  I can hardly walk into the doctors & tell her I think I have diagnosed myself!  You see, there are a lot of things such as self harm & impulsive behaviour that I have never told anyone before.  And I’m scared to.  If you admit to bad things that you have done in the past can you still get in trouble for them now??   I just don’t know what to do.

I really feel that I am on a downward spiral again & I’m not sure I can control it.  Plus I have to  phone my mum later – maximum stress!  The last time I saw her I was in tears so I know she’s just going to push me into talking about how things are going which I find really hard to do without breaking down…  Fingers crossed.

June 20, 2010

Five Meme

Posted in Uncategorized tagged at 10:07 am by copingwithdepression

Question 1: Where were you 5 years ago?

June 2005, I had finished my pre-registration training & had just qualified as a pharmacist.  I was terrified of the responsibility, how you could go from being a “trainee” one day to a full blown “expert” the next.  I never really felt like I knew enough & that I was bluffing my way through!  I was working as a locum, going to a different shop every day.  This was stressful but not as stressful as it would become later.  For the first few times in new shops I felt very awkward, very shy & very lonely.  The staff were usually OK but you would get the odd one who had been there years & would take an instant dislike to anyone new.  It was hard. My fiancée of 4 years had broken up with me earlier in the year so I was still pretty much of a mess.  I didn’t really have any friends, as I went to uni in England & was now back home living in N.Ireland, I had lost contact with a lot of people.  I started going out at the weekends with Laura, a friend of a friend & she was really important in my recovery – I had great fun with her.  Although we never did much apart from going out drinking at the weekends, it was still a lifeline for me.

Question 2:  Where would you want to be in 5 years time?

To be honest, I think my life has flown in so fast I am so scared of the next 5 years flying in at the same rate (which they probably will) & being in the same position as I am now and I have been most of my life.  Pretty depressed most of the time, struggling with relationships, socially awkward, lonely etc…  So in 5 years time it doesn’t really matter WHERE I am in my life or what I am doing, all I want is to be happy & content with my life.  To  have fulfilling, loving relationships with those around me – my family included.  To have at least a couple of close friends who I can turn to & have fun times with.  Oh, and I want lots of animals, no matter where I am living.

Question 3:  What are 5 things on your “To Do” list today

  1. Do some exercise – go for a lovely brisk walk.
  2. Go hunting for a new car.
  3. Do some work on our website.
  4. Vacuum the house.
  5. Do some laundry.

Question 4:  What are 5 snacks you enjoy?

  1. Chocolate
  2. Ice cream
  3. Any sort of sugary sweets – Lions fruit pastilles are a favourite!
  4. Any sort of cupcakes/cakes
  5. Nuts – any sort

Snacks all are mainly unhealthy for everyone, right?!

Question 5:  What would you do if you were a billionaire?

Buy the house of my dreams somewhere in the countryside (but not too far removed from a biggish town), have a bit of land to keep some chickens & other undecided farm animals.  I will have at lest 2 dogs & lots of cats.

Invest in property & rent them out to people that desperately need shelter.

Support lots of charities that mean a lot to me.

Fulfil my dreams of travelling to lots of different places in the world.

Make sure my mum & dad are well looked after, and have everything they want.  The same for my brother & his family.

That’s it really – I’m not bothered about a huge amount of material things, I just want to be happy!

June 19, 2010


Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , , , at 12:04 pm by copingwithdepression

… I mentioned before how I was having doubts about continuing with the counsellor I had been seeing.  I had cancelled our last appointment as it was the only time I could get booked in to see my doctor – I told the counsellor I would re-schedule but deep down I knew I wouldn’t.  Then I have been so busy with G’s brother visiting, and then his mum… I never got round to emailing her to let her know either way.  I guess I was hoping it would just “go away”.

Then yesterday I got a letter in the post marker “Personal & Confidential”, I had no idea what it was maybe something from the doctor?  But I opened it & it was a letter from the counsellor saying she hadn’t heard rom me so she assumes that means I do not want to continue with the sessions etc…  It wasn’t a cheecky letter, and she wished me luck in it.  There was also an enclosed questionnaire for me to complete with my views on how the counselling helped (or not)…  But I just felt so GUILTY.  For not getting back in contact with her, for letting her down, for letting myself down as I know I should really have continued with her at least until my CBT appointments come through.

It’s not a major situation at all – it would be simple to fill in the questionnaire & post it back to her.  But it really affected me.  I kept thinking should I write her a letter & explain why I felt I couldn’t continue or is that being stupid?  Should I be honest in the questionnaire & say I expected/wanted/needed to get more out of the sessions than I actually did?  Or should I just ignore it & not reply?  I think if I ignore it it will make my guilt even worse.

So I don’t know if it was totally to do with the letter or not but I had a really down day yesterday for the first time in ages.  Everything G did was annoying me even though he was trying to cheer me up.  I just wanted to be alone, to run away from the world.  G mananged to drag me out for a walk to Delamere Forest while he went mountain biking.  I didn’t even want to get out of the car I just couldn’t be bothered.  But I did, and I’m glad as I had a nice brisk walk for about half an hour and enjoyed the solitude of the forest with only the birds tweeting!

While I’m on the subject of birds…2 of my 3 cats caught a baby bird each yesterday.  Now I love/adore my cats to bits but I’m such a sensitive wee soul & love all other animals that it really affects me when they bring a half dead bird into the house.  I don’t know why but I get really upset!  And I was already feeling so down yesterday this didn’t help.  One of the birds was still alive so we put it in a box with some kitchen roll shredded up & left it to recover, but it was dead this morning when G went to check on it.  Poor birdies.. Nasty cats.  I know it’s only their nature but I still don’t like it!

June 18, 2010

Doctors update!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 10:14 am by copingwithdepression

Well I went to the Doctor’s yesterday – it amazes me no matter how early my appointment is she is already running at least 15 mins behind!  Which means I’ve to sit & wait & get even more anxious!  Anyway, it went OK I think.  I just got the underlying feeling that she didn’t really know what to say to me/was a bit awkward with me.  I told her how I hadn’t been feeling so bad as we had lots of visitors & that helped take my mind off things & get me out & about.  I sort of felt like a fake as I was in such a state the last time I was there with her.  I don’t know – I think deep down I think I should be able to cope myself with everything – I don’t see myself as seriously mentally ill.  But then again when it all gets on top of me I really just want to end it all.  Surely that’s not normal.  I worry so much about what other people think of me as well which is why this is bothering me.

Anyway the doctor had referred me for CBT, & she is going to refer me for some CBT computer programme you do yourself at home, she siad that would be useful until my appointments come through.  She also gave me some Positivie Rewards CD’s which is “Positive Mental Training: A 12 week training programme that promotes mental skills for lifelong personal & professional success.”  The first CD’s are just the intro & relaxation & mental programming exercises.  You have to listen to one track every day for 1 week, then move onto the next track.  I am interested in stuff like this, so I am going to start today & give it a go.

I’ve to go & see her again in 2 weeks to get more Citalopram & get the next CD in the series.

June 16, 2010

The Witch Is Away…

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 11:16 am by copingwithdepression

The Witch is our (semi) affectionate name for G’s mum.  Phew, I must say I am relieved that she is away.  Her visit wasn’t too bad (certainly not as bad as last year!).  For a start she is recovering from a broken foot so she wasn’t following me about interfering (sorry helping) in the kitchen too much.  It took me a day or 2 to feel comfortable with her, especially because my moods have been so low recently but she just natters away so it’s easy for me to sit & listen & look interested.  I actually found I was feeling a bit better in myself when she was here.  For some reason I am able to chat to her more easily than any member of my own family, especially my mum who I have real problems with.  Yes, I was putting on an act trying to pretend everything was normal between me & G but it felt quite good – I almost felt quite content at times.

I did find myself getting a bit stressed sometimes, especially thinking “Oh God, that’s only 1 day down, we have 5 more to go!” but I just tried to relax & take 1 day at a time.  It seemed to work OK.  Now she’s gone though I can feel myself getting into my old down depressed habits which I really am trying not to do.  I slept so well when she was here probably because I was so exhausted & I MADE myself get up early in the morning etc.. but last night I was lying awake again worrying at 4am & couldn’t get back to sleep for ages.  I have my doctors appointment tomorrow to see how I’ve been getting on with my tablets after 2 weeks which I think is worrying me.  I just find it really hard to express how I’m feeling to people – almost as if I’m scared they’ll think I’m a fake.  It’s not like having a broken arm or leg – with depression nobody can see anything wrong with you.  I’m just going to try & keep busy today & will hopefully sleep OK tonight.

June 10, 2010

The Mother In Law arrives later…

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:48 am by copingwithdepression

Arrrghh!  Frantic tidying, cleaning, shopping today.  I know it’s only 4 days of my life but I’m stressing just a little!  Will keep you all updated with the antics :)

June 7, 2010

The Weekend’s Over – Relief!

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , , , at 10:35 am by copingwithdepression

That must be a first – relief the weekend’s over!  Well I got through “the visit”.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected I must say.  G & I enjoyed the zoo (even though his brother & nephew complained after half an hour that they were bored) – we cut the visit short, I didn’t get to see the sealions but we can go back another day.  There were loads of animals that weren’t out anyway, I loved the elephants last time but they weren’t to be seen as their enclosure was getting renovated, and the lions & tigers were all hiding in the shade somewhere :(

G only had a couple of drinks on Sat night which I was relieved about even though his brother got absolutely plastered – & he bought his 6 year old son shandy (yes shandy) to drink!  Madness.

But my favourite was the Soccer Aid match at Old Trafford.  I have been to a couple of football matches before but never really been too interested.  I usually forget my glasses as well so can’t see the players properly & I’m not really too bothered about the footballers themselves.  But this time I remembered my glasses (yay), I knew almost all of the players, the atmosphere was brilliant & I really really enjoyed it!  I saw Robbie Williams, Olly from X Factor, Gordon Ramsey, Ryan Giggs, Ben Shepherd, Jamie Redknapp amongst others.

The devil child was annoying all weekend.  He is spoilt rotten, his dad NEVER says no to him & he whined the whole time.  I also think there is something wrong with him, maybe he’s just very shy & awkward but he is just very strange – he never smiles or shows any emotion.  Oh to be an amateur psychologist.  I don’t think he’s going to grow up to be a well rounded individual (not that I can talk).

G & I got on OK over the weekend, mainly because we could complain about the devil child etc.

No problems with my new anti-depressants either.  My mouth has been pretty dry but other than that OK.  For the first couple of days I actually felt less tired than usual but the last two days I’ve been shattered – probably because of the visitors etc.  Ah well, onwards & upwards!

June 5, 2010

Visitors…Round 2

Posted in Uncategorized tagged , at 7:52 am by copingwithdepression

Today another of G’s brothers is coming over to visit along with his 6 year old (devil child) son – notice me jumping for joy (ahem!)…  I have been stressing out about it for weeks but I’m just trying to relax today & see what happens.  His brother is in his 40’s and recently had his 2nd divorce so is partying like he’s 20 at the minute.  I have a real “thing” about alcohol partly due to the fact my mum is an alcoholic so I am really worried about the amount of drinking that will be going on.  It just makes me really anxious.  Although I’d prefer them to stay in the house & have a few drinks than go out.  His brother is after absolutely ANY woman he can get his hands on at the minute, pulling 17 year old girls and the like (yuk), so me bring of a slightly unbalanced, insecure nature don’t really fancy G going out to the local bars with him!

And as for the devil child….!  Well I think it’s not his fault, he’s just been really messed up about his parents divorce (it hasn’t been at all amicable).  We have 3 cats & the last time the devil child was at one of their other brother’s houses he was caught banging the wee dog’s head against the floor.  So he may stay away from our cats!

On a positive note we are going to Chester Zoo today and I absolutely love animals.  So I’m going to take my camera & just try to enjoy the day out.  Tomorrow we’re going to Old Trafford for the Soccer Aid match (not so interested but should be good!)  Wish me luck!

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