May 31, 2010
Mars & Venus Update
Well we’ve got through the last 2 days since my “meltdown”. I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that it is up to me if I want to improve this relationship or not – there is no point in G trying & me being half-hearted about it, thinking all the time that it won’t work. This will be very hard for me, but I am determined to do it. I also know I can’t make any rash decisions while I’m in such a bad state of mind. All I can do is take each day as it comes and see how things go.
The last 2 nights we have gone to bed at the same time and read a couple of chapters of Mars & Venus In L ove. It makes a lot of sense in that it shows how we haven’t been communicating properly and have been antagonising each other. Then we are living with all the frustration and built-up resentment. For the 1st time in ages I’m beginning to see a “way out” – what things could be like between us.
I’ve also been doing a lot of listening to my Louise Hay audios – all about affirmations and how to change your thinking. Today, for eg, we were both sitting working on our computers to get the website up and running and I had listened to 2+ hours of Louise Hay and nice relaxing music. I was feeling quite calm and peaceful and then it just changed like that. G made some comment, I took it the wrong way & immediately my whole mood changed. Cue some more nasty comments on both sides & now I felt awful. It was amazing how quickly it changed. After 30 mins or so to cool down, he came to talk to me about it – I had a cry, I just felt once again like we’re never going to be able to be happy. Either I annoy him or vice-versa and it starts a whole new argument. I know it’s a generalisation but it just really got me down.
I am going to the doctors tomorrow as well. I thought I would go today but forgot it was bank holiday. So, I can feel myself getting panicky already when I think about going tomorrow. I know it’s silly, but I get so nervous whenever I’ve to go to the doctors about something like this. I just hate having to try and describe why I’m depressed to a new person. But it needs to be done. I’m not 100% keen on starting anti-depressants again, but I’ll talk to the doctor and see. If the waiting list for psychotherapy is years long I will probably be better starting some sort of medication. I’ll try and keep my mind off it tonight and hopefully will sleep OK. Will keep you updated with how I get on.
Self Help For Depression 