May 5, 2010
Love hurts
SO – my 2nd visit to the cousellor. I had been anxious all day about going which didn’t help my state of mind to begin with. I was feeling low and teary which only got worse with my boyfriend G giong on at me about how much I annoy him and how frustrated he is with me being so negative all the time. We drove to the counsellor in silence (he has to drive me as I don’t have the confidence to drive myself). I was just honest with her about how I was feeling and what had happened between me & G that day. She talked me through it and even when I was telling her everything I was aware of how un-supportive he can be. She made me realise that my anxiety of how he is going to react to me makes my stress even worse. I was trying to make excuses for him like “he just doesn’t understand why I am depressed” and “I need someone to be like that with me though (ie unsympathetic) so I don’t wallow in how bad I’m feeling.” I’ve just been left so confused. I know his reaction to my depression makes me feel even worse. And sometimes a fight between us can trigger a depressive episode , but does that mean our whole relationship is wrong? That he is controlling of me? I do feel he controls me in other ways – I try to tell myself that he is only doing it for me but now I wonder… But if he doesn’t really love me why is he here, putting up with all my shit moods? Or maybe he just thinks he lvoes me.
I read in the Overcoming Depression book that when you are depressed is not a good time to make judgements about how relationships are going – as you can rarely have any positive thoughts such as love and negative thoughts dominate. It is normal to feel guilty and confused, thinking that you don’t love someone but it may only be the depression talking. It’s like you’ve lost your ability to feel love. I certainly feel like that. So I think that if I give up on us now, for short term gains to ease my anxiety at the minute I will regret it in the future. There are many things I like about him – it tends to annoy me at the minute because of how low I am feeling but he is always positive and trying to make me smile. He gives me a lot of support with the business. He respects my wishes and doesn’t go out drinking etc (another story – my mum is an alcoholic). He seems to love me. But does he love me for who I am at the minute – depression and all? Or the me he thoguht I was when we met? I just don’t know.
I feel in my heart that I love him and everything will be OK once I finally start to feel better. But when will that be? I don’t know if we have the strength (together or seperately) to stick it out. It may just make us hate each other more in the meantime. Then I’m scared that if we take a break that he’ll meet someone else and I’ll be left thinking that I am waiting on our future.
Self Help For Depression 